Feats of Fatherhood

Top Six Things Kids Cannot Measure

2012-02-06T21:09:00.001-06:00

In no particular order, here are the top ~~five~~ six things I've found that children have difficulty measuring:

Sound Carries

Really, sound travels. You can't convince your children of this but the reason parents are "so smart" is that we hear the kids coming a mile away. My children like to undertake clandestine operations only to be thwarted by Daddy (who 2 minutes earlier heard them planning their "surprise attack"). My reply is simply that I have eyes in the back of my head. No parents don't really have eyes in the backs of our heads but when they make as much noise as elephants we don't even need eyes to detect them coming a mile away.

Value of Money

You'd be amazed at what we can get our kids to do for a nickle. You would think that they had just won the lottery when we promise them a nickle for doing their chores or helping around the house with their younger brothers. I'm not sure how much longer this will last, but I'm going to ride this wave as long as possible.

Timing

Our older children just don't understand that we have to schedule things around nap time in order to keep a healthy home life. No one likes a cranky baby and therefore we must wait to go out and do anything because nap time is sacred. I will willingly forego being out and about for peace and quiet any day.

Amount of Milk That Goes on Cereal

How many times have you seen an improper ratio of cereal to milk in a child's bowl. Whatever happened to filling up the bowl with cereal and then gently pouring milk into the bowl until the cereal begins to float? Why is it that when my children attempt to do this we always end up with a milk puddle under the bowl and a tidal wave of Cheerios beginning on the table and ending on the floor?

Distance

It is soooooo far to the store. Really? It is 1.5 miles to Wal-Mart and takes 3-4 minutes in a car to get there. The park is half a mile from the house. Daddy can we drive there it is sooooo far! No, you each have a bicycle and that's the perfect gasoline free way to get where you are going...don't forget your helmet.

Amount of Time it Takes to Do Anything

The reason we don't eat out much is that it is a production just getting everyone ready to leave the house, drive to the restaurant and sorting through the endless kids meal options that by the time all is said and done it takes 2 hours minimum to go out and eat. Now a two-hour meal with parents only would be welcomed, but that's not the kind of meal we are talking about here. This is the kind of meal where the kids can never agree on anything, drink their sodas way too fast, and end up eating next to none of their overpriced Mac & Cheese. Meals like this usually end with me carrying one crying boy over my shoulder and another cradled in the football hold, giving the door the Heisman as we make our way to the parking lot hoping the rest of my entourage can keep up.

I'm sure you have more than my top six...feel free to inspire my next round of observations.

It Has Been A While

2011-09-02T14:44:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I made my last blog entry. Honestly finding the time to do so since we had Giordano has been challenging to say the least.

Suffice to say that going from 3 boys to 4 has been a quantum leap in the amount of time required to settle our day-to-day affairs (laundry, dishes, general cleaning etc.) that by the time the kids go to bed and all of the parental chores are complete there is little time left for much else. However here is a brief recap of what's been going on in the Gallizzi household over the past year or so:

We now have 4 boys. Essentially 6 years between the first and the last. I love my family, but sometimes the noise level approaches that of jet engines and the ringing in the ears only subsides after a good night sleep.
Good night sleep...what's that? With a teething baby, children that like to stay up and play rather than going to bed, and waking up early to run in order to stay in some sort of shape other than round I can't say I get a lot of good night sleeps.
Crazy travel schedule. Misty will tell you that she is not a huge fan of how much I've been travelling over the past 12-15 months since I took on my new job. Since I've taken this job I have traveled all over the Southwest including Salt Lake City, Phoenix, Denver, Oklahoma City, Tulsa, South Texas, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Lubbock. The fun part is that I am rarely in the same place twice...the bad part is that I'm rarely in the same place twice!
Messy House...Holy crap this place gets dirty in a hurry! We have slowly weaned the number of toys in our house, but we still seem to find stuff to trip over. Add to that the fact that my children have holes in their chins when they drink and the baby thinks it is hilarious projectile spit his food everywhere it is a wonder we haven't gotten a dog yet just to lap up the food mess on the floor. It is all we can do just to keep the mess manageable on a day-to-day basis. Unfortunately most of this falls squarely onto Misty's shoulders especially when I am out of town.
You do dishes how often? Seriously if we don't do them every day we must do them at least five times per week. This is a new, big-as-they-come, dishwasher and we run this thing like we own a restaurant. This doesn't even count the number of times we have to hand wash the dishes because the dishwasher is full. Paper plates sound better every day!
No joke: 5 Gallons of milk per week and at 3-4 dozen eggs per week. I am partially to blame for the consumption of milk and eggs, but these kids are starting to drink so much milk I'm looking into buying a cow. I will still buy the eggs at a store, because I can't raise enough chickens to keep up with our consumption habits and frankly chickens don't have as much personality as cows. I can't wait to see what it is going to be like to feed these kids when they are teenagers. Look out Country Meat Market!
Homeschooling: In the past year we have seen our number of school age children grow from 1 to 2. Antonio is now in the first grade and Angelo is starting Kindergarten. What is most interesting about this is that we decided to home school our children (for many reasons), but primarily because we feel that they can learn just as much at home in a shorter amount of time than is required to attend school. We looked at the schedule and realized they aren't getting that much dedicated learning time at this age anyway. Most of their school day is filled with recess, PE, lunch time, music, art etc. So they go to school for 7 hours but only are in the classroom learning environment for about an hour and a half. We are gradually learning what to do (and more importantly what not to do) as homeschooling parents, but this is a trial-and-error approach that has so far been successful, at least by my measures. Now if we could just get the kids out of the house for an hour so Mommy does not go insane...

Those are the high notes. I'm going to try to get back into my groove of blogging more often, so feel free to keep me honest if I start slacking again.

Homecoming Parade

2010-10-14T21:03:00.000-05:00

My afternoon was headed for perfect until I got a call from Misty stating that tonight we would be attending the Lewisville Homecoming parade. My mood quickly changed since there are few things I enjoy less than parades, and Misty is well aware of this fact. However, my darling wife knowing me better than I know myself, gave me the heads-up while I was at work so that I could mentally psych myself up for it given a 2-3 hour head start.

So we drive to Old Town and we mosey down to the parade route where we setup camp within candy throwing distance. Little did I know just exactly how long the parade would be and how much candy would be thrown. There were no less than 50 vehicles and groups throwing candy much to our children's amazement. I told them to wave and shout and the more they did the more candy was thrown their way. Even Giancarlo started getting into the waving and shouting. The kids were running back and forth grabbing candy within about a 30 foot radius. We were stowing the candy in the stroller which started to sag in the stowage compartment because of all the candy.

We told the kids that they could have candy when we got home, however Giancarlo didn't see it that way. Giancarlo found out that he could contort and twist himself just far enough to reach the candy jackpot, which he did repeatedly. This kid was relentless in his pursuit of candy. We found out that he loves the suckers, but isn't too fond of the Starbursts (probably because the packaging is a little tougher). He found the starbursts valuable as projectiles, but that kid had a death grip on the suckers.

So just before we got home, Misty turns around to the boys and says, Say thank you to your daddy for taking you to the parade." The kids obliged. Then she said "did you know that Daddy doesn't like parades?" To which Antonio replied "WHAT!?" This wasn't a confused type of "what" it was more of an "I can't believe what I just heard, you must be crazy, and I must not have heard you properly, because any idiot with an MBA in Finance can see that on a cost vs. benefit scale we used very little time, got to bond as a family and we are dragging the rear end of the car on the pavement because of all the freaking candy, what's not to like!?" At least that's what I hear when he said it. Misty definitely heard it as well, because she almost wet herself laughing at his response.

I do remember that as we were leaving Antonio said that the parade was awesome. He was right. The length of the parade made it worthwhile, the temperature was just right and I can cross Halloween candy off the shopping list. I will definitely be back next year.

Shopping for School Supplies

2010-07-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

I don't want to go on a rant about shopping for school supplies, but I had to witness an exercise in ridiculousness yesterday that was beyond comparison.

First we had to deal with THE LIST! I have no idea who puts this list together but I guarantee that the person is getting a kick back from Crayola. THE LIST called for 4 packages of the 8-packs of crayons...about $1 each. It also called for 2 packages of 16-packs of crayons...about $1.50 each. All totaled just short of $7 on Crayons. This was exacerbated by the fact that on the next shelf down were Crayola brand 24-packs of crayons for $.30 each. Not a typo...thirty freaking cents. Now I'm not a math major but I can multiply 3 packs of 24 = 72 crayons for less than $1. For those of you keeping count 4 packs of 8 (32) plus 2 packs of 16 (32) only equals 64, so keep in mind I'm getting 8 fewer crayons here. Why on earth do I have to purchase 6 packages of crayons for $7. I thought about it and the best idea I can come up with is that they want the major colors from the 8-packs and some supplements from the 16-packs. So my thought was this...buy 6 24-packs for $1.80 and throw the ones they don't want in the trash. School gets what it wants and I save $5 on crayons. Home schooling is starting to look more appealing every day.

To compound my Crayola induced cerebral aneurysm we had the whole family shopping for school supplies which under ordinary circumstances shouldn't be an issue, but since this is a first I had to put up with the "Why does Antonio get that and I don't" from Angelo. We explained that it was simply Antonio's first year of school and that next year it would be Angelo's turn. It lessened the whining, but didn't eliminate it completely. Then Angelo decides he needs to potty...luckily the school supplies are right next to the restrooms at our local Wal-Mart. Then Angelo decides he must do #2. I tell him absolutely not...I will permit #1 only but I'm enforcing a strict no-solids rule for the duration of the shopping experience. Why do my children feel the need to use the facilities whenever we are in public? It is almost as if their inclination to use the restroom increases with others' usage. Example: they only somewhat have to potty at the Library, but they have a stronger urge at McDonald's, and can't resists at Wal-Mart or Costco. I don't think they will be satisfied until they have tested all public facilities in a 10-mile radius from our house. But I digress...

Continuing our shopping experience. Glue Sticks = check, folders = check, notebook = check. Where's the construction paper? Over there. No we're looking for different construction paper. Specifically looking for 11X24 sheets of colored construction paper, you know the one that is only stocked at the very back of the store. Is it me or is THE LIST overly specific? So we finally find ourselves among the office supplies and stationery and I point at a package of construction paper and ask Misty if that is 11X24...to which she replies it isn't. Antonio then says "will you guys stop arguing?" No joke...our kids have never seen an argument from their parents...mainly because we just don't have arguments. Misty and I found humor in Antonio's flawed interpretation of an argument. In any event we found our construction paper and then headed to the checkout. The only open place was the self-checkout lane, so Mommy stayed behind to scan and pay while I grabbed the boys and beat feet to the car. We have to divide and conquer most times to avoid implosions.

All I can say is that our first school supply shopping experience was interesting to say the least. I think I'll keep the kids at home next time and let Mommy do the shopping.

Temper Tantrum #1

2010-06-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago I was able to bear witness to something unforeseen in my household...a full blown, arms flailing, foot-stomping, screaming, crying, convulsing temper tantrum and the culprit was not who I would have anticipated. It was actually Antonio.

Now let me provide a little background that led up to this. Firstly Antonio and Angelo had been waking up awfully early the previous few days (we're talking 6:15-6:30) and because it is Summer we allow the kids to stay up later than normal, frankly because they just won't go to sleep when the sun is up. Secondly they haven't been able to play outside as much as we would like because of the heat so they aren't burning off all the extra energy I wish I had. Lastly these kids have been struggling to pick up their toys lately, however when we get on to them about it they reluctantly pick up with a little (or a lot) of help from Mommy and Daddy.

Well imagine our surprise when we asked the kids to pick up and ten minutes later they came downstairs and proclaimed that they had in fact picked up all by themselves which I promptly verified to be true. I was amazed at the tidiness. Well come to find out the next day that the toys hadn't been "put away" so much as they had been shoved under the couch and out of sight. That did not make Mommy happy. So Mommy bravely called downstairs for a trash bag and in go the toys: not to the landfill, but to the shed (she has quite a flair for the dramatic when it comes to these things). To make matters worse it was already a mess and Antonio was refusing to assist in the cleanup. So Mommy asked him again, and again to help, but to no avail. Once she exceeded her self-imposed threshold of asking no more than three times she told Antonio to change into PJs, brush his teeth and go to bed. Our neighbors could have probably heard the screaming.

From his open/slammed shut/open again door came abundant wails of unfairness, fits of fist-clenching anger, remorseful "give me another chance"s, and finally ultimatums about what he would or would not do if we relented the likes of which I have never seen or heard. As much as it broke my heart to leave him in his room I did not want to set a precedent of allowing a temper tantrum to dissuade me from enforcing the consequences of the aforementioned actions. In fact had he not thrown the tantrum we would have been much more likely to let him off the hook, but after the tantrum started you could forget about it.

The next morning Antonio was his usual chipper self and he promised that it wouldn't happen again. Thanks to our stoic adherence to our parental duties I believe him.

For the record Angelo was guilty of the tiniest bit of schadenfreude as he made merry in the glow of his brother's punishment, but not for too long. He was in rare form himself for the remainder of the evening and I think he enjoyed staying up late with Daddy. Let's hope he will learn by example of what not to do.

So unfortunately I can finally join the ranks of parents who can say that they have truly experienced the full force of a temper tantrum. I am actually amazed that it took nearly 6 years of parenthood before I saw my first, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it won't be the last.

Trip to the Pharmacy #2

2010-03-31T09:12:00.000-05:00

The trouble with the pharmacy is that they know you really aren't going to go anywhere else because they have the medicine we need, and its not like I can whip up a batch of Amoxicillin in my kitchen. If I dislike a grocery store there are plenty of others to choose from. Pharmacies on the other hand leave us with fewer choices. Grocery stores are mostly open 24 hours, whereas pharmacies are closer to bankers hours.

So I pull up to our friendly neighborhood Walgreens around 7:00 last night and there were 4 cars in the drive through so I decided we would go inside (some of you may remember what happened the last time I took the kids inside the pharmacy). Antonio, Angelo and I went in and waited in line which apparently is of lower priority than the drive through line because we stood in line for 5 minutes and never saw a pharmacist. So like last time we went to the drink aisle and found a nice big bottle of cream soda...full of fast-acting sugar.

Now I will be the first to admit that I didn't have in mind what the end result would be. This was really half nagging kids (endlessly hearing "Daddy I'm thirsty") and half mad-science experiment (I wonder what would happen if I loaded the kids up on sugar and let them run free in Walgreens)? Well they were surprisingly tame for about two minutes until the liquid hyperactivity began to work its mojo. Still at the back of the line the kids slowly began to bounce up and down while fighting for sips of cream soda. Then as-expected the bouncing turned into jumping and stomping. Then the kids made their way over the the patient seating area where they began to jump up and down on the chairs while chanting "we love cream soda." Now I can stop this at anytime by enforcing my parental 1-2-3 magic, but I decide to stoke the flame by simply telling them that they are too loud...which never works but gives the outward appearance that I wanted them to stop when secretly I was telling them to jump higher and make more noise.

No sooner did this happen then I hear the pharmacist call for backup over the loudspeaker. I need Angie to the pharmacy we have a code cream soda...well maybe that's not verbatim but that's what I heard. Poor Angie. She began to pull people out of line in front of me and then while she wasn't even finished with the customer ahead of me she invited me up to claim our prescription. The prescription was sitting in the box behind her and she rung it up along with the cream soda which I was more than happy to pay for and we were on our way.

Yesterday marked the turning of a page for me as a father. I finally realized that I can harness the power of my children to get what I want out of people who otherwise would not care. Do I feel bad about that? No I don't. Because not only did I get my stuff faster, but so did everyone else in line. So the Walgreens staff had to witness my boys turn the pharmacy seating area into their own personal bounce house...the customers were all laughing and smiling at the antics anyway. In this instance I used a $1.39 bottle of cream soda as I would use my toll tag to breeze through the express lanes on the highway. People pay for convenience as evidenced by toll roads. Yesterday I made the pharmacist pay for my inconvenience and everyone waiting in line was better off for it.

Early Childhood Battle Tactics

2010-03-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

My older two boys have definitely had it in for me the last week or so. I don't think they woke up with the mindset of trying to get under Daddy's skin, but I assure you that their tactics have been successful at achieving that end. Allow me to chronicle their battle tactics.

Day 1:
The enemy advanced stealthily downstairs around 6:30 AM.They began their reconnaissance mission by standing at the foot of the bed and observing the sleeping giants. They then proceeded to commence operation Rooster Crow by getting into a wrestling match at the bottom of the bed.Talk about a rude awakening.

Day 2:
Impelled by the success of operation Roster Crow the bandits setup their base camp in the play room upstairs and began hurtling toys down the stairs at 6:00 AM. New Winter Olympic sport: Matchbox car jump down the banister. The kicker was the minefield at the bottom of the stairs that prevented my bull rush attack and provided ample time for the enemy to retreat. Classic guerrilla warfare.

Day 3:
No rude awakening to speak of but this temporary armistice is tentative at best. We enjoy a mildly pleasant day until dinner time rolls around. Yes, dinner is still a chore. The boys can be well-behaved all day, but when we sit down at the table as a family prepare for a showdown.The boys simultaneously launch into operation Eat No Greens. Not only do they refuse to eat anything that never walked, flew or swam, but they even refuse to share space on the dinner plate with veggies. They even go so far as to push veggies off of their plates and onto the dinner table to avoid commingling. Apparently veggies now have cooties and the meat can't even touch the veggies lest the meat become contaminated. Early bedtimes ensue.

Day 4:
Full frontal assault by the enemy. The ceaseless bickering is enough to drive us insane. Luckily we have been expecting this battle for days and we are prepared. With wooden spoons in hand we relentlessly chase the heathens back up the stairs to their respective rooms where time outs and spankings abound.

Day 5:
The counter attack: Divide and Conquer. As parents we present a unified front, and having already discussed our battle plan (and scarcely being able to withstand the near constant barrage) we immediately launch into action at the first skirmish of the day. Our counter insurgency plan is simple: we will split up the boys and no longer allow them to play together. Amazingly this is worse for them than any other punishment we could imagine. Victory at last. The 5 Day War ends as abruptly as it began.

We thought the boys (not to mention ourselves) would enjoy some time apart since they are constantly at each others throats, but ultimately they longed for the camaraderie. I think they finally realized that they should treat each other a little better if for no other reason than to have someone to commiserate. This is one battle tactic that will remain in our parental repertoire for years to come.

Noisy Toys and No Off Switch

2010-01-01T13:26:00.000-06:00

Another Christmas has come and gone and we are left with the remnants of ham, unnecessary desserts, and of course an overabundance of toys. I'm not complaining mind you, because we can now give F.A.O. Schwartz a run for its money with the stockpile of toys we have just inherited, however I do offer one complaint in the toy department and I think we should lay down some ground rules (and perhaps a few federal laws) before next Christmas rolls around.

Any relative that gives one of my children a noise-making toy will forfeit his/her invitation to all family events and/or be subject to torture treatment comprised of being placed in a straight-jacked and forced to listen to the noise-making toy for eight continuous hours. Decision to subject family members to noise torture will be at the sole discretion of Mommy and Daddy.
I propose a new federal law that prohibits the sale of noise-making toys without off-switches.Like ABS brakes and GFCI outlets this is a must have. What kind of person designs a child's toy without an off switch...a person who doesn't have any children.
Federal law number two. Only parents of children under 5 years of age may design toys for children under 5 years of age. If your children are older than 5 you have probably forgotten and must be replaced by someone with younger children who will then design the perfect toy.
Decibels will be regulated on all toys. Toy manufacturers can and should be fined for creating toys exceeding 50 decibels, which according to Dangerous Decibels is the sound of a "Quiet Suburb, Conversation at Home". The EPA will categorize all toys exceeding 50db as noise pollutants and regulate them as such under article For the Love of God, subsection Give me a Break, part Causes of Parental Insanity.
Toyicide will be a new word in the dictionary. Cause: Daddy trips over a noise-making toy with no off switch. Definition: to throw or slam said toy against a hard surface (or hit it with a hammer) with enough force to cause the internal components to rupture through the exoskeleton in an attempt to shut it off. Punishment can be levied up to and including the repurchase of said toy or a similar model. I personally prefer a similar model with an off-switch.

Here's looking forward to a new year filled with hope and quiet. I am hopeful that it will be quiet, but I don't really think that it will be. The Mother's Curse is alive and well in my home. I may have peace and quiet in about 17 years, but I won't be holding my breath for that. Happy New Year.

Anatomy of Laundry

2009-12-11T12:20:00.000-06:00

With three boys laundry piles up quickly. I don't mind folding clothes especially if it can be done while catching up on my favorite TV shows. What amazes me is how long it takes to fold it all. I can fold my own clothes in 5 minutes or less. Why then does it take me 20 minutes to fold my children's clothes? Two words: Quantity and Ambiguity.

The quantity of little things (socks, undies etc.) is ridiculous. I swear my children go through their entire wardrobes weekly. Luckily the little stuff doesn't take up a lot of room or else we would have to buy a second dryer. As they approach high school this may become a reality, but at least for now we can delay that pruchase.

Add to this the ambiguity of sorting 4T from 5T and that's why it takes so darn long. I have to check the tag on every single pair of pants and every shirt to see who it belongs to. Note that this rarely applies to the baby because it is pretty easy to tell an 18-month outfit from a 4T or 5T, but every once in a while I catch myself doing it.

Also it is worth noting that when my clothes go in the laundry they are all right side out, with my boys not so much. My children must think that there is a little fairy who lives in the washer or dryer that magically turns their clothes right side out again. Well let me tell you there is no fairy but there is definitely a sucker!

I think I'm going to fold all of their clothes inside out just once. Would they attempt to wear them inside out at first? Do you think they would get the hint? I think this hypothesis is definitely worth testing.

Phrases Children Don't Understand

2009-11-06T15:28:00.000-06:00

It never ceases to amaze me when parents awash with disappointment leer sternly at their children and say things that seem well-intentioned on the surface but in reality come out making the parent look dumber than the child. Here are the three I heard most recently.

How many times have do I have to tell you...

What do you hope to accomplish by asking this question? Are you honestly asking your child a rhetorical question? Children don't understand sarcasm and they certainly don't understand which questions are meant to be answered and which are not. Plus if you actually have to ask how many times you have told them something then what you are doing definitely isn't working and I suggest an alternate strategy for getting through to them. 1-2-3 Magic works for us!

I can't take you anywhere

Really? Anywhere? Now I know that this one is normally uttered out of complete exasperation but you would need a live in maid to rectify that situation. Until then please steer clear of the superlatives, because you know that you will be reloading the minivan tomorrow and repeating the process. Lather - Rinse - Repeat!

Focus (Thought not technically a phrase I felt it deserved honorable mention)

Are you serious? Focus on what? I know it is a simple word, but unless I stick a chocolate bar in front of my kids they don't understand focus. A focused child is like a UFO sighting. I've heard that it happens, but I've never seen it in person.

Now I'm really going to have to watch out that I don't use these phrases lest I be chastised by my wife and friends who would not miss the opportunity to call me a hypocrite. Feel free to submit any phrases you feel deserving of lampooning to the Feats of Fatherhood page on Facebook.

Cleaning Up After Baby

2009-10-28T10:21:00.003-05:00

When the time comes for baby to begin graduating from milk only to solid foods it is often a sad occasion since it marks the beginning of the end of cleanliness. Not that babies are 100% clean before they begin eating solid foods, since there is always a need to carry a burp rag for the inevitable spit up, but once they begin eating solid foods we go through more bibs and wet wipes than Joe's Crab Shack during Crabfest. Add to that the high chair/booster seat which might as well be hosed off after dinner due to the remnants of cereal, slobber, and other food scraps and one can understand why the introduction of solid foods is met by experienced parents with the slightest tinge of ire.

This period of decreasing cleanliness (or increased messiness depending on your outlook on life) can be enough to drive some parents crazy. It drove us crazy with our first child or two. Then we learned that the area within a 5 foot radius of baby will never be clean and it is futile to try and keep said area debris-free for extended periods of time. The best one can do is to keep the destruction zone to a minimum.

Here are some hard and fast rules for keeping that area as clean as possible:

Do not seat baby close to any walls. Walls will match whatever baby is having for dinner.
Do not seat baby close to your other children. Children will attempt to lovingly feed baby. This often resembles a force feeding and should be avoided at all costs.
Unless the feeder bib looks like a straight-jacket do not feed baby in clothes that you intend the baby to wear for more than the next 30 minutes.
Do not seat baby within arms length of the dinner table. Ever seen the movie trick where someone grabs the tablecloth and jerks it out from under the dishes? Yeah, it's kind of like that except the dishes come with it when the baby grabs the tablecloth.

The astute reader will notice that I have left few places safe to actually feed the baby. There are two places I can think of that will work nicely: outside or in the bathtub. These are the only safe places to feed baby. If you decide not to follow my rules you do so at your own risk.

For the record I have considered busting out the Christmas tree skirt and putting it under his chair when he eats just to make the cleanup easier. Could you imagine just being able to pick up the skirt and shake it off outside after dinner? No more sweeping and mopping under the baby's chair after meals! I think I've found the next great invention! Someone call Babies R Us.

Trip to the Pharmacy

2009-10-19T16:35:00.002-05:00

Antonio had to get a prescription filled "after hours" last night so we (Antonio, Angelo and myself) went in search of a 24-hour pharmacy. They were behaving so wonderfully that I decided that they could each choose a candy bar to snack on while we waited the 45-minutes for the prescription to be filled. At that time of night I was floored to have such a long wait. I explained that my son was having an allergic reaction and would like to have the medication dispensed ASAP. She told me that there were several people ahead of me seeking flu medication. I thought to myself yes, but the people suffering from the flu won't unleash an unholy terror on this Walgreens like my two pre-schoolers will, especially after I amp them up with a little chocolate. I think she could see that in my eyes.

So we mosey on over to the candy aisle and proceed to engage in an endless ebb and flow of Angelo grabbing something and then Antonio choosing something different and then Angelo choosing what Antonio chose then Antonio changing his mind etc. Repeat this cycle for about 10-15 minutes all the while explaining to Angelo why he won't like licorice flavored candy straws, or jalapeno spiced nougat or whatever else they put within arms length of 3-year olds on the candy aisle. Did I mention this all took place within earshot of the pharmacy? Let's just say that I ended up making the executive decision to buy something for all appetites (a package of Riesen a roll of Sweettarts, a bottle of cream soda) and we called it quits.

I'm certain the pharmacist could hear this commotion because no sooner had we purchased our delectable desserts than I hear my name paged over the intercom. 45 minutes quickly turned into 15. Much to the surprise of the other waiting patrons we sashayed to the pharmacy paid and quickly left.

Flattery may get you everywhere, but screaming kids will get you whatever you want faster.

Driving to Michigan "Vacation"

2009-10-07T15:11:00.007-05:00

Insanity is not the cause of having multiple children it is the result. As a parent of three pre-school boys I do consider myself a bit nutty, however what we attempted a couple of weeks ago bordered on insanity. Two parents, three kids, and Grandpa in a minivan for nearly 21 straight hours driving from Dallas to Detroit certainly qualifies. We departed Dallas in the evening around 8 PM Central so that we could drive through the night and make the best time possible.

Throughout my travels I have learned to pack exactly what is needed for the trip (no more and only occasionally less). My children don't know how to pack for themselves so that task fell to Mommy, who proceeded to pack half of their wardrobe. Add to this her stuff, and my dad's stuff, cooler, snacks, toys, pillows etc. and I couldn't see out the back window, we maxed out the Stow N Go, and had to jockey things around to get into and out of the car. Needless to say we were cozy.

There are two nearly equidistant routes one is more northern and goes through Oklahoma, Missouri, Illinois, and Indiana. The southern route includes Arkansas, Tennessee, and Kentucky. Both include Ohio. We opted for the southerly route which included getting pulled over between Little Rock and Memphis around 2AM. Now I'm sure the police officer was thinking "Texas plates, middle of Arkansas, middle of the night, can't see through the back window, they must be up to no good." Oh little did he know! What he got a taste of as he approached was Antonio sleeping, Giancarlo crying, Angelo pretend sword fighting against unseen enemies, and three adults wondering why we were being delayed. He asked where we were headed and when I said Michigan he replied factually "That's a long drive" and his lingering look subconsciously told me "You must be out of your mind!" He wasn't far off the mark, and so he let us go and we kept on rolling.

Gas and Go throughout the night, but the impediments began just north of Nashville when the children awoke. Of course we made an obligatory pit stop and Mickey D's for breakfast. No indoor play area and it was raining outside. Lovely. My children need an athletic outlet and aside from streaking between the restroom and the table they certainly didn't get the workout I had hoped for. Also both older boys had to go #2.

Armed with a pair of portable DVD players we returned to the road. Pit stop in Louisville. Antonio and Angelo go #2. Pit stop in Cincinnati boys go #2. Pit Stop south of Toledo...boys go #2. Notice a pattern? Like animals marking their collective territories my kids feel the need to christen one toilet per state minimum. What's the deal with that?

So about 5:30 PM Eastern we roll into Detroit and crash at my Grandma's house. Luckily she lives next door to a park where the kids were able to get out and run off some of their pent up energy. The trip went about as well as could be expected but we learned our lesson and on the return trip we decided to get a hotel room. After all vacation should be about relaxation.

Honestly, Who is Responsible for the Infant Clothing?

2009-09-08T20:17:00.005-05:00

So the other day I had sole responsibility for all three boys and after getting the older two off to bed I was left alone with the baby. No sweat right. Right! So Giancarlo who was wearing one part Eau de Butternut Squash, one part milk residue and one part drool was due for a change of clothes. So I whisk him off to his room and attempt to find a new outfit so that daddy can have some quiet time. Like any loving parent would do I strapped him down on the changing table to ensure he didn't roll off and then I grabbed the first outfit I saw. It said 6-9 months so I figured surely my son being only 7 months old it will fit. Well let's just say that after I wedged all of his rolls into the outfit that he looked more like an Olympic power lifter than a baby. Giancarlo was visibly uncomfortable so I decided that a different outfit was in order. Having learned my lesson the first time I opted for the one that said 12 months. This one was much looser but the disheartening thing was that it had more buttons that the cockpit of an F-16. I mean honestly who designed the 10-button romper? Why can't they just put Velcro on there or something? In this age of technology there has got to be something better.

So here are my recommendations for baby clothes manufacturers:

The size on the label should closely resemble my children. 6 months should mean 6 months. Yes, we grow bigger than average infants in this house but they aren't twice the size of children their age. Until the manufacturers adjust I will have to keep subtracting 3 to 6 from whatever the manufacturer says to find an approximation for my kids.
Find a way to make a romper with 6 buttons. 7 max. Double digits is unacceptable at anytime not to mention fumbling around at 2 AM changing a diaper in the dark.
Explore alternate means of fastening. Velcro, Zip-Lock, double-sided tape whatever. I'm willing to explore new options.

I'm almost ready to dress up baby like a Halloween ghost! I'm going to cut a hole in the top of a pillowcase, one for each arm, and cinch it at the waist with some rope. Who's coming with me?

New Athletic Moves

2009-08-12T20:40:00.003-05:00

Over the course of the last few weeks the boys have been ratcheting up the intense rivalry that is common in young boys, scratch that all boys. The newest installment includes variations on base jumping, arm barring, bronc busting and lassoing. I'll explain:

Base Jumping: commonly done by professionals and just crazy people with parachutes. My kids satisfy one criterion namely craziness. They believe the stairs to be their own personal base jumping apparatus and they keep trying it from new heights. Antonio is now attempting to make it to the landing from the 5th stair. Angelo is still on the 3rd. Rarely do they land on their feet. They are lucky to land on all fours. A couple of days ago Antonio attempted to jump from a running start down the stairs. Let's just say that the slide into the front door was about as graceful as I've ever seen an almost five year old make.

The Arm Bar: a.k.a. "The Heisman." The spontaneous twitch that causes a sibling's arm to fly straight out to one side in order to block the other from accomplishing a task. It is often accompanied by the phrases "Me First" and "Hey Wait." It has been spotted in a few places around the house including as the kids are running down the stairs and as a precursor to base jumping. It has also been known to occur in the race to see who gets to open the car door. Antonio is taller, lankier, faster and ultimately better equipped to deliver the arm bar, but Angelo is by far more cunning in so far as I have thrice seen him evade the arm bar by ducking, twisting and just flat out running over Antonio.

Bronc Busting: Seen commonly in Rodeos and in nearly every Western movie. I actually caught Antonio trying to sit on Angelo the other day. Not only that but he had a blanket over Angelo's back and was attempting to ride him like a horse. Antonio explained later that the blanket was just like what cowboys put under their saddles when they ride horses. Here I was thinking he was torturing his brother and in his mind he was being quite considerate. I immediately put a stop to it, but can swear I hear it outside my door while I'm on conference calls.

Lassoing: One of the most basic cowboy skills. My boys take this to new places. Last time I saw them they were upstairs with a blanket over the arm of the couch (they are big on the whole blanket between them and the riding object) and were waving their belts in the air like lassos. Unfortunately they were fighting over who got to ride and lasso and it's not like the couch has two arms on it or anything right? Anyway Angelo decided to exact a little revenge on Antonio by grabbing the "lasso" while Antonio was waving it around and he yanked him off the couch. Antonio came down with a thud and having witnessed the previous bronc busting event I had a hard time not wetting myself laughing. Ah...sweet revenge.

I am a bit frightened about what may be coming in the near future but so far all fingers and toes are intact and they only have a few bruises to show for it and in my book that's a victory.

How Many Cheerios Can Fit In...

2009-07-14T13:24:00.003-05:00

I noticed Angelo this morning had a cup full of Cheerios in the downstairs living room but didn't give it a second thought since he was snacking on them as he normally does. However, later while I was sitting downstairs I heard him proudly proclaiming that his brother's sword was full. I apprehensively shouted upstairs to him, "Full of what"? After receiving no response I ascended the stairs fearing the worst. When he saw me and ducked behind the couch I knew the answer couldn't be good. The pile of smashed Cheerios that littered the floor confirmed my suspicion. Sure enough Angelo had packed about three dozen Cheerios into the hilt and the sword sounded like a maraca when swung.

Needless to say Angelo ended up in his room in timeout which I could tell hurt his feelings. I went to the bathroom with the sword and shook it until all the Cheerios came out in the sink (about 2 minutes). After doing so I went in to Angelo's room and explained that I wasn't mad at him, but that I was disappointed that he was wasting food and made a huge mess. Had he stuffed the sword with anything else (Legos, Playmobil pieces etc.) I would not have been angry at all and it would have demonstrated an advanced understanding of spatial relationships and problem solving skills. He understood and gave me a big hug and the playing continued...this time without Cheerios.

This is not the first time we have found food upstairs. My two little Houdinis always manage to pilfer food out of the refrigerator or pantry while we aren't looking and sneak away with it. The remnants we normally find include half-eaten bananas, wrappers, apple cores etc. As a result we are now enforcing a strict no food upstairs policy to combat the covert food legerdemain. We are also considering a pad lock on the refrigerator and and a biometric lock for the pantry. Retinal scan anyone? With a third mini-man appetite on the horizon now may be a good time to look into food security.

Expectation Chart = Obedience

2009-07-07T21:31:00.004-05:00

We figured it was time for the kids to begin earning allowances (at least the two older ones anyway) so Misty went to the store and procured a simple dry erase chore chart that we now prominently display on the refrigerator door. Amazing that just today we began setting chores for the kids and to our collective amazement the children immediately began to fall in line. Chores for the boys are relatively simple but definitely show cognitive ability beyond our wildest hopes. Non-negotiable responsibilities are as follows: make bed, put dishes in the dishwasher, clean up toys. Bonus responsibilities include being nice to each other/no timeouts for the day, eating dinner promptly.

I can proudly say that both boys were 5 for 5 today. Amazing what putting the key responsibilities on paper and objectively measuring performance against the expectations will get you...or is it? I spend most of my day finding ways to inspect what I expect from my job. Children are no different from adults in this respect it seems. Individuals will continuously push the envelope as far as they can until someone pushes back. Our push back today was to employ an expectation chart. For my job it is done with spreadsheets but the principle is the same. Tell people the metrics against which they will be measured and then actually measure them.

The payoff for the boys: we agreed to pay them each $1 per week if they receive checks for the non-negotiables. The bonus adds an additional TBD amount at the discretion of the parents that is subjective and depends perhaps most importantly on how much cash Daddy has in his wallet at the end of the week.

Antonio wants to save his money for more Playmobil figurines. He loves checking off the boxes at the end of the day. He is a trail-blazing rule-following excited little boy who can't wait to do what is expected of him to earn both praise and check marks. Angelo wants to ensure that he has at least as many checks as Antonio. Any questions, see earlier post titled "Making Sibling Rivalry Work for You."

Child Psychology 101: No Doesn't Really Mean No

2009-06-07T08:45:00.000-05:00

I have often wondered why the word no and its various synonyms (stop, quit, don't etc.) tend to go unheeded a majority of the time when spoken by parents to their children. Dirty looks, furrowed brows and sneers are often met with the same kind of indifference. Mine for instance take varying approaches to avoid whatever it is that I want them to eschew; not out of malicious intent but merely out of forgetfulness. I think it is at best a momentary lapse of faculties and at worse a covert and highly planned obstinacy whereby my children are trying to drive me mad. In this exciting episode we shall explore how my two older children are trying to send me to the funny farm, but first let us take a look at what doesn't work for me.

The Look: You know the look. One part sneer, one part pursed lips, one angrily pointed finger [optional], and a look of Medusa-like instantaneous death upon anyone who gazes upon you. The look works for some of my friends, but it does not work on my kids.
Raised Voice: The tone of my voice has no bearing whatsoever on the actions of my children. One would think that the level of attentiveness shown by my children would increase with the loudness and pitch of my voice, but one would be mistaken. They just raise their voices in reply to drown me out. Since I abhor loudness I gave this one up a while back.
Sarcasm: For those of you who know me you know that I'm good at it. Totally wasted on my kids. I think it is an age thing. I'll put the sarcasm in my back pocket and bust it out when they are teenagers. For now I choose to not throw my proverbial pearls of sarcastic wisdom before swine.

Let us now take a look at my children individually. Antonio thinks that the word "No" is the first part of the new word "Nogotiable" (formed by combining the words No and Negotiable). Ever the salesman Antonio is quite adept at overcoming objections. For him "No" is just the beginning as he steps into Monty Hall's shoes and says "Let's Make a Deal." On countless occasions he has been able to weasel his way out of punishment because his retort to NO is so hilarious that Misty and I have trouble keeping a straight face. A few days ago we told him to stop playing around at the dinner table and eat. In true Italian response he shot both hands out in front if him and began to shake them to stress his point and said "I don't like that deal but I will take three more bites and then you will give me dessert." Yesterday we asked him to stop doing something and his retort amounted to "Well how about I do this and you just leave me alone. Okay? Okay!" Needless to say the parents often have more than a little trouble holding it together. I can't tell if this kid is going to grow up to be an attorney or a salesman but at the very least he will be a lot of fun to take to the flea market, because this kid haggles about everything.

Angelo on the other hand thinks that No simply means "No, until you look the other way." It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes. We tell him to stop doing something and he pauses...only to return to it 30 seconds later. Then when you catch him doing it again and reprimand him he turns on the puppy dog eyes and starts to tear up and then claims that he "no longer likes Mommy/Daddy because we are mean to him." Or sometimes when you catch him in the act of doing something verboten he looks at you as if to say "Oh you were serious about that? Had I but known that you really wanted me to stop I would have given it some serious thought." Not that he actually would have stopped but he would have seriously considered it. In either instance the intended result is far from the actual.

I love my children dearly and I have seen glimpses of Antonio trying to be a better listener and applying what we say (which I'm certain comes with age and maturity). Angelo is not quite there yet, but I am hopeful that he will follow in his brother's footsteps since we plan to shower Antonio with praise and lavish rewards once he is able to moderate his own actions/responses. I ask for your prayers for our sanity during this time of childish irrationality and we are hopeful that if our friends with 3 children (or more) can make it through this phase that so can we.

Summer Is Here - Oh Crap!

2009-05-21T16:48:00.000-05:00

Parting is such sweet sorrow. Never has that been more true than today when we bid adieu to preschool. It is with great sadness that we close the book on yet another school year for the boys. Gone is the dependability of scheduling important conference calls on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Gone are the days that Misty can be certain she will be grocery shopping with only 1/3 of the trifecta. Gone are the dependable recovery days in which we could seek respite from the previous day's insanity.

Summer arrives this year with impeccable timing. This morning Antonio and Angelo woke up at sunrise...and it gets earlier every day. My loving children were up around 6AM this morning. In itself not a bad thing, however at approximately 6:15 AM the bickering and fighting began. I have a hard time handling these kids when I am well prepared for them let alone early in the morning. As I am still wiping the sleep from my eyes they begin to wail on one another with whatever is within arm's length. Before I know it they have relocated to the kitchen and begin to serve themselves breakfast. Screams abound as to who gets to grab the bowls, spoons, milk and cereal. Nothing cheery about the Cheerios this morning. My one redemption was the knowledge that the kids had school today. But alas no longer...

Summer camp aboard the International Space Station not withstanding we are at a loss as to how we will manage these hoodlums for the next few months. I'm certain that as other families find themselves in similar scenarios that playgroups will abound just to ensure that the kids get their batteries drained and their mothers stay sane. In the meantime I will be the guy cowering in his home office refusing to come out save for the occasional meal (how awesome is the in-office bathroom now?). I am currently plotting an alternate escape route that will eschew the inevitable carnage that awaits me downstairs. Best idea thus far involves a window escape via rope ladder that I can use to exit stage left, scale down the house and bear crawl to my car with any luck unnoticed. Hey, a guy can dream can't he?

Have a great Summer!

Parental Assessment - Gains/Losses

2009-04-30T13:40:00.000-05:00

Now that we have 3 children I am taking an assessment of what we have gained and lost. This list is by no means exhaustive, and I'm sure over time more can and will be added. The entries that made the short list of gains/losses are:

Gained:

Three boys who look similar and act completely differently.
A firm grasp of the mother's curse. I actually ended up with three boys just like me. FYI the mother's curse is very real. I now understand why I thought my parents were constantly on the verge of going crazy...I thought it was just an expression but it REALLY WAS my fault!
A deep respect for those with more children. I honestly don't know how they do it. I am ready to waive the white flag and take a vow of chastity. Plenty of time for sex after Misty hits menopause.
A true understanding of how golden silence can be. There is nothing like the 5 minute respite that follows bedtime.
A sense of wonder that children live to become adults. If we didn't love our children there is a large probability that we would forgo the continuation of the species and live comfortably with a pair of Golden Retrievers.
A comfy pair of flip flops that I wear around the house to avoid stepping on sharp-cornered objects like Matchbox cars and Playmobil pieces. I used to go barefoot but have learned my lesson after what I will call "unintended acupuncture." Hello tetanus shot!
A pair of toy boxes and multiple toy bins to house the aforementioned sharp-cornered items. My kids' toys have more storage than a 747.
A minivan. Say what you will about the old daddy wagon but there is no way we could cram three kids into an Accord (at least not if both parents wanted to ride in the car simultaneously) nor is there any way I could afford to gas up a mammoth SUV. Ample seating + gas mileage = minivan, no way around it.

Lost:

Hair...a lot of it.
Hair Color (Applies to Misty only)...my hair that would have gone gray simply fell out.
Patience. Maybe I had more of it when I only had one child nipping at my heels, but now my concept of patience has changed drastically. My patience now extends to the length of my arm plus a wooden spoon.
Timeliness. I was always a person who was on time, and if I wasn't on time I was early. Now I consider it a good day if I am + 30 minutes from the desired ETA. (Note the absence of +/-...minus doesn't ever happen).
There are many things that we go without to provide for our children. I personally gave up on athleticism, a low handicap and reason. Misty chipped in her sanity. Together we make quite a pair. Now our toughest decision is Mojito or Sangria? (After bedtime of course)!
Cleanliness. I used to be fanatical about cleaning up all the toys at the end of the day and before the kids went to bed. Now I am more than content to run the gauntlet and slalom my way through the toys on the way to my office in the morning. It is as close to skiing as I will get until for at least the next 5 years.
Notion of "Free Time." Free time is noted only as the time I can squeeze in between all things that need to be done (laundry, dishes, making the boys' lunches for the next day, cleaning up the messes left behind, etc.). Basically there ain't a whole lot of it.

It is called the daily grind for a reason. If you cannot relate you should definitely come over and baby sit to gain a deeper personal understanding of our daily grind.

What Does It Mean To Be A Child?

2009-04-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

Today I was thinking about my children during an all too infrequent quiet moment and I asked myself what it meant to be a child. Clearly being young is a key ingredient but there are many young people who are quite intelligent: cross that one off. Some might characterize it by a lack of responsibility although I know many adults (not the least of which are my unmarried friends) to whom I could apply that logic, so that cannot be the answer. After all of my metacognitive searching I have boiled it down to one thing. Imagination.

To be small and to think big is a hallmark of being a child. Children have a knack for turning a cardboard box into a castle, a belt into a lasso, an empty roll of paper towels into a telescope, and a broken stick into a sword. Children can watch a movie and become a character: blankets become capes and stuffed animals come alive. They are captivated by magical stories, they believe that anything is possible which is a trait they share with inventors and visionaries the world over. Our world is ruled by those who seek to make our tiny planet more than what it was and have the ability to see the future and what can be. This is why imagination is so critical to progress. I think the following quote from George Bernard Shaw's play Man and Superman explains it best:

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

Somewhere along the way as we become adults we grow big and think small. This probably happens gradually, but certainly when we have children of our own we begin to think less about grandeur and more about the basics of providing for our families. How ironic that the imagination we outgrew long ago is our key to connecting with our children. Children need discipline, but they need to be encouraged to expand their imaginations and these two need not be diametrically opposed. Discipline is needed at certain times, but not at all times. Children must be free at times to run wild, skin their knees, and bust their lips. They must be allowed to grow through trial and error. We cannot teach them everything (nor would I want to). Some things they must experience for themselves.

It should be the primary concern of parents to strive for the delicate balance between discipline and imagination. If a parent is too overbearing the children will be coerced or scared into doing what is right and once they leave the nest they will surely rebel. No one likes to be micromanaged...least of all children. Yet on the other hand to allow children to do whatever they want to do is not a form of parenting, it is actually quite the opposite and a total abdication of parental responsibilites. If a parent is too lax then the children will show no respect to the parents (or others for that matter) since children need structure to grow into well-formed adults. To borrow a phrase from Suze Orman we as parents need to be willing to say, "No out of love instead of yes out of fear."

An old adage states that "everything is good in moderation including moderation." We should apply this to parenting as well. I believe that we can and should educate our children in the ways of the world, but let us not forget to allow them time to be children. My kids won't be applying to colleges for at least another dozen years so I think we have ample time to let them frolic and not obsess over learning too much too soon. Childhood does not last forever so we should enjoy as much of their young lives as we can before they grow into adults themselves.

How Church Rubs Off On Kids

2009-04-14T21:05:00.005-05:00

In a fit of hunger about a couple of weeks ago I was at my dad's house and I grabbed the Betty Crocker Dessert Cookbook off the shelf and set about to find a recipe that would satisfy my sweet tooth that had been gradually increasing over the course of Lent. So many of my friends and family had given up desserts of one sort or another for Lent whilst I decided to give up alcohol. With two preschoolers and a new baby would I have rather given up sweets you betcha, but I digress. So I come across a recipe for Brandy Alexander Pie (which is a decadent chocolate pudding mixed with heavy cream and quite a bit of brandy) and I am salivating. I'm counting down the days till Easter.

Fast forward to Easter weekend. We go grocery shopping for the ingredients to make said dessert and we are short on chocolate wafers. Our choices were either chocolate graham crackers or Oreo cookies. We opted for the Oreo's figuring we would scrape out the white stuff in the middle and just use the cookies. Bonus: feed the white stuff to the boys and get them all hyped up on sugar so that they will eventually go into sugar shock and crash. Always seek the positive: early bedtime for the kids certainly qualifies.

We ended up using almost the entire package of Oreo's just to make the crust for the Brandy Alexander Pie. No I'm not interested in the calorie count. Needless to say we were left with a plate full of "white stuff" chips which our kids begin siphoning rapidly. It is always dangerous to have little hands around the cooking surface (not to mention little trip hazards hovering around your ankles) so Daddy decides to walk the plate of white stuff outside and begins divvying the chips out to the kids. In the process of handing them out I hold out a chip to Antonio to which he looks up at me and says "This is the Body of Christ." So amazed was I that I asked him to repeat what he said just so that I could be sure I didn't misunderstand. Sure enough it is exactly what he said. I am taken aback at a 4-year old who has yet to receive First Communion and recognizes that the "white stuff chips" are so very similar looking to the "Wafers" we receive in the Eucharist. It really validates me as a parent to see my child associate the mundane with something other-worldly.

Now Sunday School will be wrapping up in the next few weeks and Antonio will be sitting through mass with us all Summer. I hope he will be able to listen and retain some of what he hears...time will tell. It will be interesting since he is a typical 4-yr old and generally lacks the ability to sit quietly in one place for more than 5 minutes. Luckily we almost always sit next to families with similar aged children and I can only hope that they will be understanding of our plight. Odds are that over the course of the Summer we'll have another installment of "Kids Say the Darnedest Things." Stay tuned.

Potty Training Update

2009-04-09T05:00:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I was approached via email to participate in a contest to win a 6-month supply of Pull-Ups. The deal was this: since my blog has spoken at length about the woes of potty training and Pull-Ups was promoting a media campaign about the "Potty-Dance" (you can look it up on You Tube) if I went to a website and added my blog postings I would be in the running. Now the "e-marketing machine" is frought with banking deals from Nigerian millionaires and credit card phishing scams, but this one was totally legit. I did a little leg work on the back end and saw that the company promoting this had other large clients aside from Kimberly Clark which gave me a little hope. Well lo and behold late last week I received an email telling me I had won and asked what size Angelo is and my home address. Yesterday they arrived. A box with 6 packages of 3T-4T Pull-Ups. Yeah!

The only thing cooler than free Pull-Ups is not neeeding to have your child wear them. Which is where we find Angelo at this very moment. Talk about irony! You take out a 2nd Mortgage to pay for diapers and a get a truckload of them delivered to your doorstep when you no longer need them. Better late than never I guess. Since they don't expire we may just keep them for Giancarlo who will no doubt need them in a couple of years.

In celebration of Angelo's potty training we took the boys to Chuck E Cheese on Tuesday as we promised to do when Angelo was totally trained. We made a big deal out of it and we made sure we did it up right. We had pizza, played games, and even indulged in a little cotton candy for a treat. My only complaint is that most of the games that my kids want to play are too big for them to play. Now I can play Skee Ball with the best of them, but Angelo has a problem getting the ball up the ramp. I think it is one part coordination and one part length of ramp, but that didn't stop him from giving it his all. Besides I don't think they will remember their high scores so much as they will remember they they had fun.

Favorite games: First off they both had to ride the horse (like that surprises anyone who knows my kids). Antonio anything with a gun. Big Game Hunter 2, some Wild West Shoot Out game, basically anything where you can shoot bad guys. Angelo wanted to play every car, plane, jet ski simulator possible. He is all about racing, down to his little Speed Racer undies.

I am so proud of Angelo for taking the next step toward becoming a truly big boy! He appears to be using this as a springboard toward acting older every day. As if he needed to grow up any quicker.

Making Sibling Rivalry Work For You

2009-03-20T13:02:00.002-05:00

Potty Training Angelo has been quite difficult (as I have noted in the past). Misty and I realized a few weeks ago that we needed to rethink our methods of enticing Angelo to the toilet. Taking away things in the past resulted in a standoffish child that was no more ready to use the toilet than our cat. Our tactics have evolved to deal with this omnipresent threat to our collective sanity and the landfills.

We realized that the carrot and stick approach we were offering to change his behavior didn't really speak to Angelo. Yes he enjoyed treats when we gave them to him, but they were very much out of sight out of mind later in the day. We would all forget about them. Then we got the idea that we would promise him a trip to Chuck E Cheese if he would go in the potty for a solid week. I think a week is a difficult concept of time for a child who is not yet three years old. Nonetheless we tried it and it worked for a while, but eventually failed just like the rest of our best-laid plans.

Then a couple of days ago Mommy had a brilliant idea. It was so brilliant that I let out a fiendish snicker after I heard it. Here goes: Mommy parades Angelo around Check E Cheese and shows him everything he will get to do when goes potty all the time. She even goes to the token machine and buys enough tokens to play Skee-Ball until your arm falls off. Then she brings the him home and begins to dole out the tokens (1 for #1, 2 for #2) to which Angelo replied that he would go #3...I think that means both at the same time, but I'm not 100% sure. We also noted that if he went in his diaper we would take the same number of tokens away.

Sure enough this kid is clipping right along collecting tokens until all of a sudden his potty training zealousness wanes. He begins soiling his diapers again so we begin to subtract tokens. His mountain of coins began to dwindle until he was down to one. This see-saw battle had to end.

Enter sibling rivalry. Yesterday we officially announced that every time Angelo went in his diaper that he would not be giving the token back to us, but instead he would be giving them to his older brother.

Talk about a child who is now on fire for going potty in the toilet! My only worry was that Antonio would try to prevent him from going in the toilet, but he is simply not that kind of brother. Angelo hasn't missed a beat since our fiat yesterday. Angelo was even dry when he woke up this morning! He is all about strutting into Chuck E Cheese chest out, chin up, dragging a bag o' coins behind him and ready to claim his spider ring minions. This kid has the potential to buy his own CEC franchise with all the tickets he is going to win.

Now I'm not saying that he is fully potty trained, but he is well on his way. I think a little sibling rivalry can be a good thing every now and then, especially when it is applied to a constructive end.

What's The Deal With Dinner?

2009-03-10T19:18:00.003-05:00

I can't understand why my children have such a problem eating dinner as a family at the table. We really don't have problems for breakfast or lunch, but for some reason dinner time is when the wheels on the bus completely fall off. It is so difficult to get them to even eat half of what's on their plates before the antics start. My children think that dinner time is basically their own personal times to be as disobedient as possible. I personally think that they save it up all day only to release it at the dinner table. Everything from crawling under the table, to throwing food, to "he's putting his foot in my face" (don't laugh this happened tonight). I'm really getting sick of this because after a long day the last thing I want to do is play part WWF Referee and part wet nurse.

We have tried so many different ways to get them to eat. We've tried earlier dinners, later dinners, smaller dinners, and feeding them something totally different for dinner all to no avail. We have even tried some carrot and stick approaches. My top 5 are below:

Promises of Dessert - I personally think that Mommy blew this one for us. She caved in regularly in the past so now the kids are reluctant to believe her when she tells them that there will be no dessert unless they eat dinner. Advantage Kids.
Promises to Stay Up Later- Right. Totally not a currency they truly grasp at this point in time. Not to mention that Antonio has his own concept of bedtime (more like T + 2 hours if we are lucky).
Spankings - Oh yes, that's right spankings. Call it an adult temper tantrum, but there is nothing like the crack of a wooden spoon on an obstinate child's hiney. Sweet music!
We'll Watch Your Favorite Movie After Dinner - Yeah...like they care! This only works if their favorite movie is "Guess What I Hid Under the Table!"
I'll Give You $1 Million If You Will Be Quiet and Eat Your Dinner - Since they have no concept of money I thought it would be worth a try. Rejected.

Nothing seems to work. I can't get the kids to eat anything we cook no matter how appetizing, but when we go to Costco the kids will eat everything in sight so long as it is served on a toothpick or in a dixie cup. Actually I might be on to something here. From now on we will be serving chicken nuggets, cocktail weenies, and taquitos on toothpicks for dinner. Anything less solid like pasta or vegetables will now be served in dixie cups. Who cares if their dinner plates look like party service trays? As far as I'm concerned problem solved!

Time To Get Angelo Out Of Diapers

2009-02-05T14:41:00.007-06:00

I realize that Angelo is not yet 3 years old but I am going to have to put my foot down after the pre-breakfast joy I experienced this morning. First I must set the stage. For those of you who are not acquainted with Angelo (a.k.a the Dr. of Destruction) he could care less whether his diaper weighs 4 pounds and hangs down to his knees. To the untrained eye one would surmise that he was trying to smuggle out a shot put in his 3T pants. Yesterday he was waddling around the living room when I asked him if he needed a diaper change. His response was "not yet." Imagine if you will a diaper-clad penguin waddling through the living room and you will get the gist of what I'm talking about. This has become something of a daily routine as he will hide or go to another room to take care of his business and then waddle in our midst as if nothing has changed. Normally a diaper change is no big deal, but this morning got out of control.

So as I was trying to make toast Angelo insisted that he "help." Help in quotations because when my children "help" it often takes 5 times longer than when I go it alone. So I have to pick up Angelo to put the bread in the toaster, since it resides at the back of the counter top for obvious reasons. About 30 seconds later I look down at my shirt after noticing that all-to-familiar odor and I realized that I had been branded. I immediately took off the shirt and doused it with Spray N Wash when I realized that my wonderful son would also need similar attending to. His clothes had to be removed and I then proceeded to change what had to be one of the worst diapers of my life...I used the better part of a dozen wipes. I told him that it was now officially unacceptable to use diapers and that from now on he would have to use the potty like Antonio. Unfortunately I have a sneaky suspicion that he didn't fully understand the severity of the matter.

Being the eternal pragmatist I insisted that he eat breakfast in just his diaper not wanting him to soil a clean outfit just for the sake of 10 minutes at the table. He offered no objections and ate his breakfast without issue. Interestingly with no shirt on he became concerned with his personal cleanliness, a feat not easily achieved by my son. It wasn't until I returned to the kitchen after donning a new shirt that he began his mischievous laughter after which he proclaimed that he would now "poop on that shirt." Clearly the importance of being potty trained that I had stressed not 10 minutes earlier totally eluded him. If you're scoring at home that's: Angelo 2: Daddy 0.

That was the last straw. I bid adieu to my children leaving them in the ultra-capable hands of my wife and sequestered myself in my office for the remainder of the morning.

Potty training will commence shortly! I am running out of excuses!

Antonio at the Golf Course

2009-02-04T20:22:00.002-06:00

This took place a while back, but I was reminded of it a few days ago and it is definitely blog worthy especially if you know Antonio.

Stage: Before Giancarlo was born I took Antonio to the driving range while Angelo was sleeping so that Misty could have a little alone time. What ensued was one of those experiences where you feel like pulling your hair out before you understand it from a 4 year old's point of view.

I had an old putter and seven iron both cut down to Antonio's size so that he would have real clubs to play with. He chose the grips from Golf Galaxy and they installed it before his very eyes. We then took the clubs to our local golf course and began on the putting green. I attempted to teach him the proper mechanics of putting. Talk about a waste of time! He didn't listen to a thing I said except "Make the ball go into the hole." He got that part...everything else was lost. His mindset and putting stroke both closely resemble Happy Gilmore. After about 5 minutes I finally gave up and left him to his own devices. Enter Antonio "Wayne Gretzky" Gallizzi the horse-riding legionnaire. He would gallop around the putting green stopping only to "sword-fight with the bad guys" and then occasionally try to hit a slap shot into the hole. More often than not the "putt" would go clear across the green and roll down the bank to the cart path that runs behind the green. Luckily we were the only people on the green so I didn't have to worry about him shooting balls at other golfers.

After the putting green we decided to go to the driving range and I reminded Antonio to pick up his putter and 7-iron so that he wouldn't lose them. I led the way and when I looked back I only saw him carrying his iron, but the putter was nowhere in sight. I asked him where his putter was and using his thumb he pointed behind him back towards the putting green. I got very frustrated and asked him why he left his putter on the green when I just told him to pick it up. He then explained that he didn't leave it there. So I asked him "why did you point back at the green then?" He said "I didn't...it's back here!" he exclaimed as he turned around and I saw the putter tucked into the back of his shirt as if it were a sword. I almost died laughing and I had trouble composing myself on the tee box for the next five minutes or so.

The rest of the day is a bit hazy but I will never forget my son striding towards the driving range with a 7-iron in hand and a putter tucked into his shirt. It is classic Antonio memory that will be etched in my memory forever.

Newborn Smiles: Signs of Affection or Gas Pains?

2009-02-01T12:48:00.005-06:00

Over the past week or so as I have held Giancarlo in my arms I have noticed him smiling ever so sweetly as all my boys have done. As my paternal instincts return to me and I caress my newborn I would love to think that he is smiling because he knows me, or has heard my voice for months and it is a comforting sound, but I know way back in the back of my mind that this is just the universal expression of gas pains (and subsequent relief). Surely there can't be much pressure building up inside because his tiny body simply can't hold very much, which I suppose makes gas all the more frequent in newborns. True to form every bit of flatulence is invariably followed by a toothless grin as he revels in the most instinctual form of self-gratification.

The faces he makes during flatulence range from simple smiles to the wide-eyed to the "that was so loud I just scared myself" types. Today as we were attending the Baptism class at St. Ann's Giancarlo's eyes rolled back in his head, smiled widely and then he proceeded to drop a massive load. The expressions are priceless and sometimes I can't help but laugh along with him.

Back to Normal???

2009-01-27T09:58:00.003-06:00

So after a two month writing hiatus the muse has finally descended once again so that I might impart some more ridiculousness into our lives (and God knows these days we could all use a little laughter). So as many of you know we welcomed a new family member on Januray 19th, his name is Giancarlo Matteo, or as Antonio likes to call him "The #3 Musketeer." My dad asked me if we were ready to get back to normal, to which I responded "I'm not really sure that we will get back to anything. This is all new for us so we are just flying by the seats of our pants." To a large extent things are more "normal" now that everyone is home safe, but they will definitely never be the same again. After a week with 3 boys under one roof I decided to put together my top 10 list of changes in the making.

Top 10 Observations About Having 3 Boys:

We are now officially outnumbered: Last week it was an even match. Now I feel like the guy standing in the middle of the wrestling ring who gets hit with the folding chair by the 3rd team member.
We currently have 2 Children in Diapers: I only have 2 hands. Houston we have a problem! Where is the hand sanitizer when you need it?
Noise level measured in decibels increases exponentially with each child: We started with diesel engine (Antonio only), then to a jackhammer (Antonio + Angelo), and now a low-flying 747. Next up H-Test on the Bikini Atoll.
There are still only 24 hours in a day: More hours dedicated to laundry, cleaning, feedings = fewer that can be dedicated to sleep. (Also see observations 1-3).
Clutter becomes it own element: Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, Clutter. Every child should have to carry his own toys in a backpack. If they can't fit then something has to go.
Agreement ceases to exist among siblings: Merriam-Webster under disagreement "constant state of affairs in an all-boy household." It doesn't matter if is Backyardagains vs. Diego, or who touched the car first they seem to disagree about everything. Enter Observation #3.
WWF = Why We Fight: The two older ones have so much energy that fights eventually breakout and turn into a stomping, punching, slapping, body-slamming, pile-driving good time. At least they don't bite each other (knock on wood).
Insanity means I love You: If you find yourself wanting to pull your hair out or hit yourself over the head with a cast iron skillet you are not alone. We feel this way to ensure the survival of our species so that we don't take it out on the goslings. Now run along while Daddy puts on his headphones to drown out the noise. (Also see observation #3)
Good God how am I going to afford to feed all these kids: They eat like horses. I think it is about time for a separate freezer so that we can stock up on essentials so that we don't run out of food in a mad panic. I think the Country Meat Market sells whole cows and if you buy the whole thing they will toss in some cryogenically packed pork chops, spare ribs and chicken breasts. Where do I sign up?
Gibberish: I swear we raised our kids better than this. Antonio (who has an expansive vocabulary) chooses to speak in gibberish 50% of the time. Angelo who won't follow any of Antonio's good habits will then repeat the gibberish. It's like dueling auctioneers trying to sell a mystery car under a tarp (you think it might be a Porsche but its really a 79 Ford Pinto). They don't really want you to know what it is, but boy do they want you to be excited about it.

That's all for now. Enjoy!

Spirit of Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T13:11:00.003-06:00

In the spirit of the season (and responding to a need at the church) we took the kids out shopping for Thanksgiving foodstuffs to support those less fortunate than ourselves. The thought behind this was that we can take the kids to the store, buy the food and then drop it off all while teaching them about Thanksgiving and why it is so important to celebrate it. Suffice to say that the trip didn't go exactly as planned but more on that in a moment.

Thanksgiving is the quintessential American holiday. It celebrates our oneness as Americans. National holidays often celebrate a certain segment of society, July 4th (although a great day to get together and BBQ) somehow lacks the feeling of togetherness embodied by "The Holidays", New Years is celebrated by almost every society on Earth, and Christmas/Easter/ Hanukkah/Yom Kippur/Rosh Hashana/Ramadan et al. are religious holidays. Thanksgiving is a time for all Americans (white, black, brown, Christian, Jew Muslim) to remember what makes this country great and what sets us apart from the rest of the world; namely our generosity, hospitality, abundance and freedoms of all types. We celebrate what it is that makes the USA the most sought after residence and the envy of the world.

So it is in that spirit that we hopped in the car and made our way down to the local Wal-Mart (which thankfully had endcap displays for all that we needed). In the car on the way we explained that we weren't shopping for ourselves but rather for those who have less than we do. Antonio noted that we should get him some toys since we were going to Wal-Mart. Specifically he wanted 5 guns and 2 swords (I honestly have no idea where he gets this stuff). We calmly explained to him that he could ask Santa Claus for those things (which we totally have no intentions of getting for him) and that tonight would not be time for that. He was adamant that we would buy him toys so Misty and I decided to drop it.

As we arrived at Wal-Mart both boys are instructed to sit in the shopping cart as we planned to make this trip as quickly as possible. Nothing is worse than children running in opposite directions at any store let alone one as big as Wal-Mart. 20 seconds through the front door we arrive at the yam endcap and no sooner did we arrive then the two boys begin fighting with one another. Again we calmly explained why we were shopping and that they should be gracious givers. That went over their little heads faster than talk of Keynesian Economic Theory. I got the deer in headlights stare for about 5 seconds and then they went back to bickering. We saw that this was quickly snowballing into a full-blown tantrum so we hurriedly shoveled cans of yams into the cart along with all other foodstuffs and proceeded to the check out lane.

Enter a new highlight of the evening: the impulse section next to the cash register. The kids start the mad grab for anything within reach suddenly the cart begins to fill up with candy bars and beef jerky. Daddy has had it at this point, and although the Almond Joy was calling my name I decided to eschew the candy bar in favor of expediting our checkout. Children screaming and arguing, on the verge of yam can throwing we finally exit Wal-Mart lucky to escape with our sanity. We then proceed to the church to drop off the goods. Now ensues the argument about who carries what bag. Feeling like total parental failures we drop off the food, dejectedly return to the car and drive home. My only solace is that gin martinis cure all ills at the end of a long day.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sleeping Habits

2008-11-18T11:38:00.004-06:00

I vividly remember sleeping in front of a floor fan when I was a kid. I used to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and take my blanket and pillow to the living room where we had a box-style floor fan and I would proceed to sleep in front of it. My parents hated it, but I still to this day need to feel like an Eskimo while I sleep. Enter mini-me a.k.a. Antonio, a.k.a. Mother's curse; you know the one that goes something like "I hope you have a child just like yourself." I now have a vague concept of what it was like to raise me in my early years.

I can't get Antonio to spend an entire night in his bed. In the last week alone we have found him asleep on the couch upstairs, at the top of the stairs behind the gate, asleep on the couch in the downstairs living room, under our bed and asleep in the corner of our room. I don't think he is sleepwalking, I think he just gets bored. Under the guise of "being scared" he whines at the top of the stairs until someone either tells him to go back to bed or he consoles himself and falls asleep in random places.

Angelo on the other hand normally goes to sleep in his toddler bed, but sometimes wakes up and nestles behind his door. Unfortunately this makes opening his door to check on him near impossible since he wedges himself between the door and the wall. We put a child lock on the inside of Angelo's room for his own safety and our sanity. We really aren't ready for him to be running around upstairs with his brother because they might never go to sleep. Unfortunately Antonio sometimes kicks the sleeping tiger by opening the door early in the morning before we are ready to wake up. Those are usually the mornings that test our parental mettle.

We kicked around the idea of bunk beds...they are so not ready for that. They are already doing the flying elbow from the top turnbuckle. Angelo got sniped making the leap from the fireplace to the couch a few days ago even after Mommy told him not to. Clearly if they are jumping around like monkeys they are not ready for bunk beds. Luckily Mommy ceded her office to the new baby so we don't yet have to worry about consolidating children into the same room just yet. In the future it will be a foregone conclusion, but for now we are satisfied with the room assignments. It could always be worse.

Potty Training

2008-10-29T12:39:00.006-05:00

So Misty and I decided that we would attempt to potty train Angelo before baby #3 arrives. We bought little undies with Cars characters and pull-up diapers. Suffice to say that Angelo turned the tables on us and trained us on what he would and wouldn't do. This child refuses to go to the bathroom when asked. We set a 30 minute timer and every time it beeped we asked Angelo if he needed to go potty. Of course he said no and then 2 minutes later told us that he just pottied in his pull-up. As a side note Pull-up diapers are ridiculously expensive. It is clearly the last jab from the diaper companies knowing that they wont see those hineys again until incontinence sets in 60+ years later; but I digress. So clearly I am miffed that the overly expensive diaper has just been micturated in after I just asked him if he had to go.

Searching for answers Misty and I embarked on a journey to find alternate ways to potty train without breaking the bank on Pull-Ups. So we put him in just underwear and let him run around without pants. Sure enough the same thing happened. As punishment we decided to make him sit bare-bottomed in the laundry room while his undies got washed. He dutifully sat there while they went through the spin cycles and then was happy to put on another pair. No sooner had we re-clothed his loins then he did it again.

Next we tried letting him run around naked in the back yard. This was a stroke of genius because there would be nothing to throw away or wash if soiled so we figured we would let him pee on the fence or in the grass...anywhere so that he could get the feel of it. Well he didn't go on the fence or the grass like I had hoped. What he did do was drop some rabbit pellets on the back porch which I then had to hose off. Perhaps I should have titled this posting "Lack of Potty Training!"

We have tried positive affirmations and treats (he is really fond of malt balls and gummie bears) to no avail. This child is so obstinate that it makes me want to pull out what's left of my hair. We have all but given up for now. We figured that #3 isn't due for another 3 months so we still have a little time, but our goal is still to have only 1 child in diapers at any given time. Angelo is going to give us a run for our money on this one.

It is with a great deal of skepticism and cautious optimism that we picked up the book "Potty Train Your Child in Just One Day." Needless to say I am unsure of its claim to work in just one day, but we will see. It can't hurt to try because everything else doesn't seem to work. If any of you have any great ideas or stories to share drop me a line and let me know what your secret is becuase we're about all out of ideas.

Tips for Husbands

2008-10-10T11:36:00.003-05:00

I get asked all the time why my wife lets me go out and smoke cigars, play golf and generally do what I want most of the time. I think a lot of men envy my marital position, but seldom do they see what goes on at home. Firstly, I am blessed to be married to a woman who communicates and sets expectations extremely well. She is my perfect complement, we found this to be true using the DISC personality model: I am a Di and she is an Sc (google "DISC Personality" for more info on how this works.) Secondly, I have a great privilege in being able to work remotely which makes my job at home easier. Nonetheless the rules below should still be adhered to whenever possible.

Here are my top 5 rules that will increase your chances (dare I say guarantee) that you will have more freedom to golf, fish, relax, or whatever your personal hobby might be:

Sweep the House: I do not mean physically with a broom (though that may be required) but what I mean is to look at what needs to be done around the house. Maybe the floor needs to be mopped or the laundry needs to be folded or that honey-do project that keeps getting put off, but there is always something to do around the house. Do it quietly when the wife isn't home and then the key part is to not brag about it. Bragging about what you have just done totally ruins it. Women notice everything, you won't have to tell them anything...need I elaborate? Trust me your labors will not go unnoticed.
Schedule Together Time: Some call it quality time and some call it date night. Whatever your particular flavor is do it and do it often. I read the other day that couples have only 12 minutes of actual interaction per day that could be considered "quality". Quality is defined as no TV, no kids, no PDAs/email, no distractions period. If you can be counted in the aforementioned statistic try 30 minutes of quality time a couple times a week if that's all you can manage and see where that takes you.
Take Care of the Kids: At least one night per week let Mommy have the evening off while you bathe, clothe, brush teeth and read stories to the kids then call Mommy up for bedtime prayers. Remember that mommies don't get paid time off for their jobs, so you should do what you can to give he a break every so often. Not only will it be a welcomed treat for her, but you will be amazed at what your wife can do with 30 minutes alone without children nipping at her heels.
Clean the Sink: I'm not joking about this one. I'm talking to those of you with the plain jane stainless steel sinks in the kitchen. Next time you are in the kitchen look at your sink...do you see spots? The answer is probably yes. Since you are already there looking try this trick: take a towel and simply wipe the sink and faucet until the spots disappear. This takes no more than 30 seconds, but the difference it makes is amazing. There is something about polished shiny things that gives women a sense of peace. Note: this also applies to any glass surface with fingerprints, TV screens and mirrors.
Buy a DVR (If you don't already have one): To round out the top 5 I had to plug my favorite invention of the decade the DVR. I am a firm believer that a DVR can make you a better parent and husband. Not only can you record all the shows you would otherwise "miss" but you can cut out the commercials which will save the average TV watching person a minimum of 30 minutes per evening. For ideas on what to do with the 30 minutes you just saved see items 1-4.

If you follow these rules you will see an undeniable uptick in the quality of your home life and perhaps a matched decline in your handicap. Men, I'd love to hear feedback on this one...let me know if it works for you.

Antonio's 4th Birthday

2008-09-22T14:49:00.002-05:00

On this day 4 years ago Misty and I received a gift that defies words. Antonio, our first child was born and our life has never been the same since. Sure my dreams of playing golf professionally have been dashed (now I just settle for playing once a month if I'm lucky). Sure Misty graduated at the top of her class in International Business and never got to work anywhere but the DFW area. Not that I would trade the way my life is now for anything.

Many things in life don't turn out the way you expect when you are young. This is probably a good thing. Misty and I agreed that we could not plan to have children. We felt it was something that was beyond our control and we would just go with the flow. Sure enough two weeks shy of our first anniversary we already had #1. By the time our second anniversary rolled around we already knew we were expecting #2. Now we sit on the precipice of our 5th anniversary already with two preschoolers and another little boy on the way.

Birthdays are a time for reflection. Our children will understand this as they get older, parents are acutely aware of this. The reflection I see in the mirror is a somewhat older, wiser, heavier, balder version of my pre-paternal self. I can't really tell if my children are the cause of my hair loss but I wouldn't be surprised if it were true.

As I look back to 5 years ago I see a couple of twenty-somethings getting ready to take the plunge. Frenetically checking and re-checking all wedding plans: catering, groomsmen, brides maids, time, place, etc. There is nothing like planning your own wedding. Somehow 5 years has whizzed by between then and now. Along with it went our sense of perfection.

We began planning our October wedding in January. Ten months for one day. Since then we have had to adjust what we are able to live with in terms of perfection: honestly we are lucky if we have 10 minutes these days. We understand that children have no concept of timeliness or cleanliness. We have resigned ourselves to the fact that if we hit the agreed upon target + 30 minutes we are having a good day. If the children only cycle through their wardrobe in three days...not so bad. If only a little of the chocolate cupcake lands on the floor, grabbing the mop would be tantamount to sitting on a whoopee cushion (guaranteed to elicit laughter).

I sometimes wonder what we did with our extra time before we had kids? I struggle to recall anything of consequence. Yes, we took vacations not involving a minivan. Yes, we ate out a bunch and had a night life that didn't include baby monitors, midnight feeding sessions and tiptoeing through our own house. Yes, we were able to do anything we wanted. Do I miss it...I would be lying if I didn't say no. But I don't miss it for very long. When I see my boys I know that I was put here on this earth to raise men, not an easy task. I try to set a good example for them to follow every day. It is sometimes difficult and it must be repeated daily.

I, like all parents want the best for my children and I have come to terms with the sacrifices that I must make to ensure that our children grow up into well-adjusted adults. The daily grind no longer ends at the watering hole. Extravagant meals have given way to Mac N Cheese and hot dogs. Things that used to be priorities are no longer even a faint notion. It is all part of what we parents must to to provide for our children. If there is anything I have learned in the last 4 years it is this: anyone can do something difficult for one day, doing it every day is what makes you a parent.

Happy Birthday Antonio.

Love,

Dad

Games Children Play

2008-09-11T20:50:00.004-05:00

Wherever two or more siblings are gathered I am there. No I'm not talking about Jesus here; I'm talking about the world's worst game: Keep Away. You know the one where the older sibling has something that the younger one wants and then runs around avoiding the younger one as he screams and cries. It could be a toy or an insignificant piece of paper but it always seems that no matter what it is you can bet that it will enervate parents and that said item will be destroyed in the process. Keep Away is probably my least favorite game that children play followed closely by, Jump On Daddy When He Isn't Expecting It, Look What I Found, and Ride the Kitty.

Competition is the driving force behind Keep Away. Some call it sibling rivalry, but it is essentially one sibling competing for attention, bragging rights etc. over the other(s). I think it is woven into the fabric of our being. Especially if you have an ultra-competitive streak in you. Fathers definitely pass it on to their sons, so I admit that I am just as guilty of Keep Away as my children. I have no idea how to break the cycle, but I do know how to treat the symptoms. I normally take said item and hide, trash, break, shred or incinerate it. Sometimes it brings me great joy, especially if it is a noisemaking toy (see first blog for reference).

I'm sure I played "Keep Away" with my younger brother when we were growing up, although I can't remember it. You probably did too. Why is it that older siblings feel the need to taunt and tease younger ones? Why is it that the younger ones always want whatever the older ones have? Is nah nah nah nah boo boo an instinctual taunt inherent in older siblings or is it learned from others? These are the questions that keep me up at night? Well not really.

In our family Keep Away usually ends when Angelo hurts Antonio (whether by punch, kick, trip, or by beating him with a stick). Then Antonio begins crying and Angelo tries to act innocently. It is an almost daily occurrence here. I'm unsure whether Angelo will take the same course of action against the new baby when he arrives. Will he have learned his lesson and therefore be more forgiving towards his younger sibling? Shaking my Magic 8 Ball - my sources say no. I have a gut feeling that Angelo will continue the tradition of playing Keep Away: a sort of passing the torch if you will. If in the future Keep Away becomes an Olympic sport I am definitely signing my kids up. I have gold medalists in training.

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in their little heads

2008-09-08T20:47:00.005-05:00

Saturday Antonio flat out refused to participate in soccer practice. He told me that he was no longer interested in playing soccer and that he wanted to play baseball. Normally this would be music to my ears if I hadn't already prepaid for the soccer practice at the YMCA. Since we are past the half-way point in the "season" there is no way I'm going to get a refund so I made Antonio sit through the remainder of the practice. He clapped whenever anyone scored a goal...even the other team. He appeared to be very apathetic and just wanted to be anywhere else.

We went home and his attitude went from bad to worse when he began acting up and generally being a pest. He started by deliberately making a mess upstairs and time out just wasn't cutting it. It culminated when he put his hands on my throat in choking fashion and told me that he was not going to go clean upstairs and that I was no longer allowed to talk to him. I did my best to keep from laughing and then when I realized that he was serious I explained to him that what he was doing was unacceptable and that he would now be taking a nap. A cacophony of cries emanated from his room for the next hour or so until he realized that we weren't coming up to get him.

And then later when Misty and I didn't think we could take any more he was much better behaved and he told Misty and I how much he loved us; it was almost as if he knew that we had reached our breaking point. He ate his dinner without complaining and even asked for seconds. He helped out around the house and he helped pick up toys before bed time. He totally redeemed himself. It is one of those things where if you weren't a parent you might have lost your cool, but knowing that they can be so wonderful most of the time you let it slide.

Sunday after mass we went to see where his Sunday school class would be next week and as we were walking through the Education Center Antonio saw Jesus on the Cross. He asked "why Jesus was on the Cross" and "who put him there?" It is amazing that the same child that can get under your skin one moment is the same child that amazes you with poignant questions the next. Misty and I felt very proud at that moment as we realized that our children are such a blessing and that the fleeting moments of silliness and disobedience are outweighed by the intelligence and compassion they exhibit the rest of the time.

Houston: We Have a Malicious Pee-er

2008-09-02T20:03:00.007-05:00

A first tonight at the Gallizzi household. Malicious Peeing:

Stage: We had friends in from New Orleans this past weekend and we had a great time while they were here with their two boys. They slept in Antonio's bed and Antonio and Angelo "camped out" on the floor of Angelo's room on top of a sleeping bag that I'm certain hadn't been used since the Clinton administration (this is probably as close as my children will ever get to "roughing it.") This morning Antonio helped strip the bed and wash the sheets and comforter. After school he helped Misty put them back on the bed.

The Act: Antonio came downstairs naked and said that someone had peed on his bed. I dashed upstairs to find that he was correct. Through my astute powers of deduction I surmised that it had to be my oldest son since the other one was downstairs and fully clothed. Antonio let loose on his own bed soaking about a 2 1/2 foot long 4 inch wide strip from the middle of his bed to the floor. I called Misty upstairs and she had a hard time initially containing her laughter and then her crying. Perhaps Antonio felt that his personal space had been violated and in animal like fashion decided to mark his territory.

His Response: "I didn't do it, it was Angelo."

My Response: I calmly reminded him that liars are punished worse once they are found out. He quickly reversed course, admitted to it and avoided a spanking. (During the Olympics we recounted the story of Marion Jones to Antonio so he knows full well what happens to people when they do something wrong and then lie about it. I don't think he will ever forget this lesson.)

The Punishment: He was made to strip the bed of the pee-soaked comforter and sheets, walk them downstairs, put them into the washing machine, start a load of laundry, and then put new sheets on the bed. After which he went immediately to bed. The worst part was we let Angelo stay up late, which might be the thing that pissed him off (pun intended) worse than anything.

The Ultimatum: We let Antonio know in no uncertain terms that if it ever happened again that we would throw away his cowboy boots, hat and really anything else we can get our hands on.

All in all I think Misty and I held our composure fairly well. Honestly, this is something we were unprepared for but as parents when you stop experiencing new things you are either tending an empty nest or singing in the choir of angels.

Children and Chores

2008-08-27T10:29:00.010-05:00

In the Wednesday Wall Street Journal there is a small article extolling the virtues of making children pitch in around the house. It cites some interesting statistics like the average 6-12 year old child "spends a mere 24 minutes per day doing cleaning, laundry, and other housework-a 12% decline since 1997 and a 25% drop from 1981 levels.[1]" So let me do the math on this: 24 minutes X 1.25 (the 1981 level) and the average child did approximately 30 minutes worth of chores around the home daily. So in essence we have lost 6 minutes of productivity per child per day in 27 years. That is 6 fewer minutes spent dishwashing, clothes folding, sweeping, mopping, taking out the garbage, mowing lawns, etc. each day. Now 6 minutes per day doesn't sound like a lot, but I think that it is a microcosm of American society.

As I see it there are 4 reasons why children are not helping out as much around the house as they used to:

1) We have less stuff and therefore less to do (highly unlikely).

2) Our society replaces non-working items rather than fixing or re-tasking them.

3) We are too busy to do it/we hire out for help. Cleaning services, car washes, oil changes etc.

4) Mom and Dad pick up the slack and let the kids off the hook.

I think a combination of options 2-4 represent the reason our children are doing less. Options 2 and 3 would help instill a sense of pride in children when they get to help perform these tasks. Antonio always pulls out his Bob The Builder toolkit when he sees daddy using tools. I learned how to fix complex computer equipment as a teenager working for my father's business. He and I rebuilt a classic Ford Mustang and I got to learn a great deal about the inner workings of automobiles and engineering in general. The only garage my cars visit for tune-ups and oil changes is the one attached to my house. I hope to instill the same kind of knowledge and verve in my children as well when they get a bit older. I also hope that Option #4 never rears its ugly head in my house.

Now I'm not bashing anyone who has never replaced automobile parts, this is merely a skill that I have that I wish to pass on to my children. Others of you may be experts at some other facet of homemaking that needs to be passed on. Misty for instance learned to sew from her grandmother. Some of you cook very well. Some of you have green thumbs. Let's get our kids involved. These are traits worth passing on. Anything we can teach our children about problem solving and how to create or fix anything increases their self-worth and willingness to help in the future.

Another point in the WSJ article is that teaching young men to pitch-in around the house "has become a crucial marriage-preservation skill. [2]" I would even go so far to say that teaching boys these lessons (which we will do in our house) is good preparation for college and the real world. No one is going to do their laundry when they go to college or when they finally move out on their own. The path to un-enlightenedness is marked with dust bunnies, wrinkled clothes and Ramen noodles.

Now contrast this seemingly insignificant 6 minute decline with our bulging waistlines and there is a theme emerging here...we are getting lazy as a nation. Here is a shocking statistic about childhood obesity: "In 2002, data showed that 15% of children and teens are considered overweight, a tripling since 1980. An additional 15% of kids and teens are considered 'at risk' for becoming overweight.[3]" The date range is strikingly similar. Could it be that we are our children's worst enemies when it comes to staying healthy? And how about this one: "Forty-three percent of students in grades 9-12 watch television more than two hours per day. Physical activity declines dramatically over the course of adolescence, and girls are significantly less likely than boys to participate regularly in vigorous physical activity. [4]" If high school students have enough time to watch 2 hours of TV per day then surely we can find another 6 minutes worth of chores for our children to do. Let's start now.

1: Shellenbarger, Sue (2008, August 27). On the Virtues of Making Your Children Do the Dishes. Wall Street Journal, p.D1.

2: Ibid.

3: America Scores:Statistics on Childhood Obesity. Retrieved August 27, 2008, from http://www.americascores.org/index.php?id=390

4: ibid

Thank God For Grandparents

2008-08-23T12:58:00.004-05:00

Mommy and Daddy got to spend some much needed time with other adults Friday night enabled by my father's willingness to not only to watch the boys, but keep them overnight (only time will tell whether we are ever again accorded this privilege). Long gone are the wild and crazy days of partying, staying out all night and acting like teenagers, however we gave it a good shot on Friday night making it until almost midnight before cashing in (a far cry from the good old college days). Sure we could have found a bar/ Whataburger/IHOP and stayed out late like back in college, but when the opportunity to sleep in presents itself parents must take full advantage. High on our priority list of things to do when we woke up on Saturday morning: Nothing at all. It is a rare occasion when we aren't serenaded by children at the top of the stairs singing good morning ditties, running around sans diapers proclaiming their nakedness, and playing whack-a-mole with makeshift hammers and drumsticks. So we decided to sleep in...and it was everything we thought it would be.

Back to Grandpa: little did he know how much of a handful our boys can be. When he showed up Saturday morning with the kids he looked as if he tried to singlehandedly stop a charging stampede of rabid caribou...and lost. His only glimmer of hope was knowing that his time watching the children was limited. Less than 18 hours after dropping off the children at my dad's they were back at home and in rare form. I'm not sure they actually slept at all. Perhaps because the children's fairly consistent bedtime routine is not adhered to at the grandparents' residences or it could be the change of scenery and not sleeping in their own beds but our children always seem to require a 12-24 hour re-acclimation period. They are normally irritable and short on sleep when they return so they tend to try our patience and sanity. This is exactly what happened upon their return Saturday morning. They were horrible, being ugly and generally disobedient and it was a struggle, but we eventually reclaimed the remainder of the day around 5 PM or so after some much needed naps and some quiet time. After a quick trip to Burger King they were back to their usual cheerfully rambunctious selves and we breathed a collective sigh of relief that years of parenting hadn't been flushed down the toilet for a night out with friends and a wild game of poker.

Toys...Who needs them?

2008-08-20T15:37:00.003-05:00

If any of you have children that are doted on by their grandparents the way our boys are then undoubtedly you have amassed an overabundance of toys. When I grew up we didn't have as many toys and I think the ones that came in the happy meals lasted a bit longer than they do these days, but one thing is for certain; toys only exist to momentarily distract your children, permanently annoy parents and create never ending clutter your house. Most toys will be used infrequently by children for various reasons, but don't ever try to throw them away while they are awake. Children instantly find reasons for why the toy you are about to throw away is their favorite and they couldn't possible live without it.

Allow me to explore some of the common toys found in our house (and with a high-likelihood your own):

Matchbox Cars:

Children are amused only so far as they can roll them into walls, cabinets and other inanimate objects. Telltale signs an adult has children with these toys: parents are unable to stand up straight due to groin pulls, bruised tailbones, and slipped discs. (I actually believe that Matchbox cars were invented by a Chiropractor whose practice was struggling to attract new patients.) Where these toys tend to congregate: between cushions in the couch, under the couch, and the floor outside my office door.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head

This toy is confusing for children because there are only smiles on the lips of the Potato Heads. Children instantly find this confusing because the Potato Heads live in Happy Land while the rest of us live in the real world. Glaringly missing from the Potato Head's emotions are "Make Your Bed", "Do You Think Money Grows On Trees?", and the "Stop Hitting Your Brother" looks. Parents clearly see why this one could be confusing. We hate the Potato Heads for all the reasons above and the one-hundred and fifty seven pieces they come with. (If you ever want to drive yourself crazy try to make a Potato Head with matching pieces...most of mine look about as symmetrical as a Picasso). Common congregating areas include bathroom sinks, bathtubs, and the floor outside my office door. (Note the pattern here).

Noise Making Toys (All-Types)

Children love toys that make noise, sing songs, and generally annoy parents. The more annoying it is to you the parent the more enjoyable it will be for your children. However one item to note is that most noise making toys run on batteries and will eventually die. Parents revenge = lie about not having the right size batteries and then throw out the toy the following day since a quiet toy doesn't annoy parents anywhere near as much kids lose interest quickly. Where they tend to congregate... everywhere including outside my office door. (I think my children are trying to tell me something). Most common time of day to be annoyed by this type of toy...any time I am on the phone.

Unintended Toys (The true mark of imagination)

Why is it that children can turn a belt into a lasso, a towel into a crime fighting superhero's cape, and a cardboard box into a playhouse? I suppose most children have this gift and too often do not express it. We should encourage it. Parent's love these toys for the most part and rarely take offense. For the most part these toys are quiet, however there are some precautions to keep in mind with these toys. 1) Belts can be used as weapons against siblings and adults so pay attention. 2) Never assume that the towel was clean before they put it on, especially if it was a kitchen towel. Nothing puts a charge in mommy like a good old Salmonella scare. 3) Unless you want to spend a full weekend picking up "fairy dust" remove packing peanuts and styrofoam from the box before they play in it.

If you are reading this kiss your kids, tell them how much you love them, and tell them to go outside and ride their bikes.

Eating Ice Cream and Throwing Deuces

2008-08-19T20:09:00.003-05:00

So if you are ever struggling to find a way to get your kids to keep quiet...try ice cream. The universal word that all children uinderstand and signifies the triumph of rational man over irrational children.

You've probably heard that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver! I've found that chocolate tastes better though. Give it a try and see.

First Blog Entry

2008-08-19T11:22:00.003-05:00

I felt I needed a creative outlet to opine on the on-goings/foibles of my family (especially my two wonderful boys Antonio 4 and Angelo 2) so I created this blog. Here is a quick family introduction:

Antonio: The Chameleon. This kid changes clothes faster than Imelda Marcos changed shoes. He actually acts out things he sees on TV by portraying them in real life. If Cowboys - black Stetson, jeans, belt with buckle, boots and a red bandanna, often accompanied by a denim jacket...even in the summer. If Musketeer D'artagnan - trade Stetson for white floppy hat and a stuffed horse he swears is real. If a movie about knights - trade white floppy hat for silver knight's helmet. You get the picture.

Angelo: The Dr. of Destruction. This kid is like a bowling ball with legs. He never met anything that didn't look better in pieces on the floor. I actually had to rebuild part of my backyard fence because he was ripping wooden slats off the fence. Bottomless pit of a stomach (unless meat is involved...FYI hot dogs are excluded from the meat category)

Misty: The Saint. Im not sure how she stays sane. Honestly if I had to sit with these kids all day I would go nuts. If not for her I would not have my wonderful children and this blog would not exist.

Tony: Super Dad. Married to a saint and sire to chameleon and a wrecking ball.

For those of you who don't know, I work from home in a dedicated office (which helps) but is not sound proof and therefore renders any conference call potentially humiliating with what would seem to the untrained ear to be a stable full of barnyard animals or a Greco-Roman wrestling match (it varies by time of day). I actually have to schedule important conference calls with my wife to ensure that the children will not be in the house. Normally all it costs me is the market price of a Happy Meal (it makes more than just the kids happy I assure you) at McDonalds which I am more than willing to pony up for the peace and quiet.

I love my boys very much and I find it hard sometimes to separate work from home. I do love the flexibility of being able to have breakfast with them in the morning, and having a family dinner in the early evening but it often a struggle. Let me walk you through a typical day in my life:

Wake-up around 6:30 go to the gym. Yes. Peace and quiet. Begin the day on a good note.

Return home and have breakfast around 8. This isn't like breakfast at my parent's house. Breakfast in my house growing up was all or nothing. There were no a la carte menu items. Everyone ate the same thing. Breakfast with my children is an event. Take this morning for example. I ate cereal, Angelo wanted a different cereal, Raisin Bran, which he proceeded to pick the raisins out of and leave the cereal flakes. Antonio had toast with jelly and an egg over easy: which is better than the usual peanut butter & jelly sandwich. It could be worse I suppose: at least he didn't ask for 30 packets of ketchup.

Between 8-5: Go upstairs and check email. Attend conference calls. Solve problems. The usual. As long as the kids aren't strangling each other outside my office door (a favorite hangout of theirs) we can call it a good day.

There is not a lot of excitement when I step out of my office at the end of the day since the kids have the opportunity to be around daddy most of the day. Daddy also has no time to decompress from his workday. This is when the wheels usually start to fall off.

Antonio can't seem to sit through a meal without excusing himself to go to the bathroom. But it isn't like he just gets up and goes. He normally has to put his cowboy hat back on and mosey over to the outhouse cowboy style.
Meanwhile Angelo picks through his food and eliminates most products containing meat. The kid even picks toppings off of pizza if it looks like meat. It is also understandable that being younger that he spills a little as he eats...but this kid spills a lot. His plate, face, clothes and section of the table normally look like a bad day at an Impressionistic workshop. If I could only get him to put that on canvas I might be able to pawn it off on eBay...
My wife and I feel like dinner is basically a tag team WWF wrestling match except we don't get to use the folding chairs as weapons. The kids do get to jump off the turnbuckle and drop flying elbows at will (which in my opinion isn't fair).

From 6PM to 8PM it is a struggle. Dinner is over. There is still daylight. What to do? With the fairly recent invention of the DVR and its proxies the DVD/VHS players (a.k.a. baby sitters) we have managed to scrape by. Although if I hear the Dora the Explorer theme one more time I might snap...and don't get me started on the Wiggles.

With any luck the kids are in bed by 8 and mommy and I crash on the couch and enjoy the silence.