Child Psychology 101: No Doesn't Really Mean No

I have often wondered why the word no and its various synonyms (stop, quit, don't etc.) tend to go unheeded a majority of the time when spoken by parents to their children. Dirty looks, furrowed brows and sneers are often met with the same kind of indifference. Mine for instance take varying approaches to avoid whatever it is that I want them to eschew; not out of malicious intent but merely out of forgetfulness. I think it is at best a momentary lapse of faculties and at worse a covert and highly planned obstinacy whereby my children are trying to drive me mad. In this exciting episode we shall explore how my two older children are trying to send me to the funny farm, but first let us take a look at what doesn't work for me.

• The Look: You know the look. One part sneer, one part pursed lips, one angrily pointed finger [optional], and a look of Medusa-like instantaneous death upon anyone who gazes upon you. The look works for some of my friends, but it does not work on my kids.
• Raised Voice: The tone of my voice has no bearing whatsoever on the actions of my children. One would think that the level of attentiveness shown by my children would increase with the loudness and pitch of my voice, but one would be mistaken. They just raise their voices in reply to drown me out. Since I abhor loudness I gave this one up a while back.
• Sarcasm: For those of you who know me you know that I'm good at it. Totally wasted on my kids. I think it is an age thing. I'll put the sarcasm in my back pocket and bust it out when they are teenagers. For now I choose to not throw my proverbial pearls of sarcastic wisdom before swine.

Let us now take a look at my children individually. Antonio thinks that the word "No" is the first part of the new word "Nogotiable" (formed by combining the words No and Negotiable). Ever the salesman Antonio is quite adept at overcoming objections. For him "No" is just the beginning as he steps into Monty Hall's shoes and says "Let's Make a Deal." On countless occasions he has been able to weasel his way out of punishment because his retort to NO is so hilarious that Misty and I have trouble keeping a straight face. A few days ago we told him to stop playing around at the dinner table and eat. In true Italian response he shot both hands out in front if him and began to shake them to stress his point and said "I don't like that deal but I will take three more bites and then you will give me dessert." Yesterday we asked him to stop doing something and his retort amounted to "Well how about I do this and you just leave me alone. Okay? Okay!" Needless to say the parents often have more than a little trouble holding it together. I can't tell if this kid is going to grow up to be an attorney or a salesman but at the very least he will be a lot of fun to take to the flea market, because this kid haggles about everything.

Angelo on the other hand thinks that No simply means "No, until you look the other way." It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes. We tell him to stop doing something and he pauses...only to return to it 30 seconds later. Then when you catch him doing it again and reprimand him he turns on the puppy dog eyes and starts to tear up and then claims that he "no longer likes Mommy/Daddy because we are mean to him." Or sometimes when you catch him in the act of doing something verboten he looks at you as if to say "Oh you were serious about that? Had I but known that you really wanted me to stop I would have given it some serious thought." Not that he actually would have stopped but he would have seriously considered it. In either instance the intended result is far from the actual.

I love my children dearly and I have seen glimpses of Antonio trying to be a better listener and applying what we say (which I'm certain comes with age and maturity). Angelo is not quite there yet, but I am hopeful that he will follow in his brother's footsteps since we plan to shower Antonio with praise and lavish rewards once he is able to moderate his own actions/responses. I ask for your prayers for our sanity during this time of childish irrationality and we are hopeful that if our friends with 3 children (or more) can make it through this phase that so can we.