Phrases Children Don't Understand

It never ceases to amaze me when parents awash with disappointment leer sternly at their children and say things that seem well-intentioned on the surface but in reality come out making the parent look dumber than the child. Here are the three I heard most recently.

How many times have do I have to tell you...

• What do you hope to accomplish by asking this question? Are you honestly asking your child a rhetorical question? Children don't understand sarcasm and they certainly don't understand which questions are meant to be answered and which are not. Plus if you actually have to ask how many times you have told them something then what you are doing definitely isn't working and I suggest an alternate strategy for getting through to them. 1-2-3 Magic works for us!
  

I can't take you anywhere

• Really? Anywhere? Now I know that this one is normally uttered out of complete exasperation but you would need a live in maid to rectify that situation. Until then please steer clear of the superlatives, because you know that you will be reloading the minivan tomorrow and repeating the process. Lather - Rinse - Repeat!
  

Focus (Thought not technically a phrase I felt it deserved honorable mention)

• Are you serious? Focus on what? I know it is a simple word, but unless I stick a chocolate bar in front of my kids they don't understand focus. A focused child is like a UFO sighting. I've heard that it happens, but I've never seen it in person.

Now I'm really going to have to watch out that I don't use these phrases lest I be chastised by my wife and friends who would not miss the opportunity to call me a hypocrite. Feel free to submit any phrases you feel deserving of lampooning to the Feats of Fatherhood page on Facebook.