Homecoming Parade

My afternoon was headed for perfect until I got a call from Misty stating that tonight we would be attending the Lewisville Homecoming parade. My mood quickly changed since there are few things I enjoy less than parades, and Misty is well aware of this fact. However, my darling wife knowing me better than I know myself, gave me the heads-up while I was at work so that I could mentally psych myself up for it given a 2-3 hour head start.

So we drive to Old Town and we mosey down to the parade route where we setup camp within candy throwing distance. Little did I know just exactly how long the parade would be and how much candy would be thrown. There were no less than 50 vehicles and groups throwing candy much to our children's amazement. I told them to wave and shout and the more they did the more candy was thrown their way. Even Giancarlo started getting into the waving and shouting. The kids were running back and forth grabbing candy within about a 30 foot radius. We were stowing the candy in the stroller which started to sag in the stowage compartment because of all the candy.

We told the kids that they could have candy when we got home, however Giancarlo didn't see it that way. Giancarlo found out that he could contort and twist himself just far enough to reach the candy jackpot, which he did repeatedly. This kid was relentless in his pursuit of candy. We found out that he loves the suckers, but isn't too fond of the Starbursts (probably because the packaging is a little tougher). He found the starbursts valuable as projectiles, but that kid had a death grip on the suckers.

So just before we got home, Misty turns around to the boys and says, Say thank you to your daddy for taking you to the parade." The kids obliged. Then she said "did you know that Daddy doesn't like parades?" To which Antonio replied "WHAT!?" This wasn't a confused type of "what" it was more of an "I can't believe what I just heard, you must be crazy, and I must not have heard you properly, because any idiot with an MBA in Finance can see that on a cost vs. benefit scale we used very little time, got to bond as a family and we are dragging the rear end of the car on the pavement because of all the freaking candy, what's not to like!?" At least that's what I hear when he said it. Misty definitely heard it as well, because she almost wet herself laughing at his response.

I do remember that as we were leaving Antonio said that the parade was awesome. He was right. The length of the parade made it worthwhile, the temperature was just right and I can cross Halloween candy off the shopping list. I will definitely be back next year.

Shopping for School Supplies

I don't want to go on a rant about shopping for school supplies, but I had to witness an exercise in ridiculousness yesterday that was beyond comparison.

First we had to deal with THE LIST! I have no idea who puts this list together but I guarantee that the person is getting a kick back from Crayola. THE LIST called for 4 packages of the 8-packs of crayons...about $1 each. It also called for 2 packages of 16-packs of crayons...about $1.50 each. All totaled just short of $7 on Crayons. This was exacerbated by the fact that on the next shelf down were Crayola brand 24-packs of crayons for $.30 each. Not a typo...thirty freaking cents. Now I'm not a math major but I can multiply 3 packs of 24 = 72 crayons for less than $1. For those of you keeping count 4 packs of 8 (32) plus 2 packs of 16 (32) only equals 64, so keep in mind I'm getting 8 fewer crayons here. Why on earth do I have to purchase 6 packages of crayons for $7. I thought about it and the best idea I can come up with is that they want the major colors from the 8-packs and some supplements from the 16-packs. So my thought was this...buy 6 24-packs for $1.80 and throw the ones they don't want in the trash. School gets what it wants and I save $5 on crayons. Home schooling is starting to look more appealing every day.

To compound my Crayola induced cerebral aneurysm we had the whole family shopping for school supplies which under ordinary circumstances shouldn't be an issue, but since this is a first I had to put up with the "Why does Antonio get that and I don't" from Angelo. We explained that it was simply Antonio's first year of school and that next year it would be Angelo's turn. It lessened the whining, but didn't eliminate it completely. Then Angelo decides he needs to potty...luckily the school supplies are right next to the restrooms at our local Wal-Mart. Then Angelo decides he must do #2. I tell him absolutely not...I will permit #1 only but I'm enforcing a strict no-solids rule for the duration of the shopping experience. Why do my children feel the need to use the facilities whenever we are in public? It is almost as if their inclination to use the restroom increases with others' usage. Example: they only somewhat have to potty at the Library, but they have a stronger urge at McDonald's, and can't resists at Wal-Mart or Costco. I don't think they will be satisfied until they have tested all public facilities in a 10-mile radius from our house. But I digress...

Continuing our shopping experience. Glue Sticks = check, folders = check, notebook = check. Where's the construction paper? Over there. No we're looking for different construction paper. Specifically looking for 11X24 sheets of colored construction paper, you know the one that is only stocked at the very back of the store. Is it me or is THE LIST overly specific? So we finally find ourselves among the office supplies and stationery and I point at a package of construction paper and ask Misty if that is 11X24...to which she replies it isn't. Antonio then says "will you guys stop arguing?" No joke...our kids have never seen an argument from their parents...mainly because we just don't have arguments. Misty and I found humor in Antonio's flawed interpretation of an argument. In any event we found our construction paper and then headed to the checkout. The only open place was the self-checkout lane, so Mommy stayed behind to scan and pay while I grabbed the boys and beat feet to the car. We have to divide and conquer most times to avoid implosions.


All I can say is that our first school supply shopping experience was interesting to say the least. I think I'll keep the kids at home next time and let Mommy do the shopping.

Temper Tantrum #1

A couple of days ago I was able to bear witness to something unforeseen in my household...a full blown, arms flailing, foot-stomping, screaming, crying, convulsing temper tantrum and the culprit was not who I would have anticipated. It was actually Antonio.

Now let me provide a little background that led up to this. Firstly Antonio and Angelo had been waking up awfully early the previous few days (we're talking 6:15-6:30) and because it is Summer we allow the kids to stay up later than normal, frankly because they just won't go to sleep when the sun is up. Secondly they haven't been able to play outside as much as we would like because of the heat so they aren't burning off all the extra energy I wish I had. Lastly these kids have been struggling to pick up their toys lately, however when we get on to them about it they reluctantly pick up with a little (or a lot) of help from Mommy and Daddy.

Well imagine our surprise when we asked the kids to pick up and ten minutes later they came downstairs and proclaimed that they had in fact picked up all by themselves which I promptly verified to be true. I was amazed at the tidiness. Well come to find out the next day that the toys hadn't been "put away" so much as they had been shoved under the couch and out of sight. That did not make Mommy happy. So Mommy bravely called downstairs for a trash bag and in go the toys: not to the landfill, but to the shed (she has quite a flair for the dramatic when it comes to these things). To make matters worse it was already a mess and Antonio was refusing to assist in the cleanup. So Mommy asked him again, and again to help, but to no avail. Once she exceeded her self-imposed threshold of asking no more than three times she told Antonio to change into PJs, brush his teeth and go to bed. Our neighbors could have probably heard the screaming.

From his open/slammed shut/open again door came abundant wails of unfairness, fits of fist-clenching anger, remorseful "give me another chance"s, and finally ultimatums about what he would or would not do if we relented the likes of which I have never seen or heard. As much as it broke my heart to leave him in his room I did not want to set a precedent of allowing a temper tantrum to dissuade me from enforcing the consequences of the aforementioned actions. In fact had he not thrown the tantrum we would have been much more likely to let him off the hook, but after the tantrum started you could forget about it.

The next morning Antonio was his usual chipper self and he promised that it wouldn't happen again. Thanks to our stoic adherence to our parental duties I believe him.

For the record Angelo was guilty of the tiniest bit of schadenfreude as he made merry in the glow of his brother's punishment, but not for too long. He was in rare form himself for the remainder of the evening and I think he enjoyed staying up late with Daddy. Let's hope he will learn by example of what not to do.

So unfortunately I can finally join the ranks of parents who can say that they have truly experienced the full force of a temper tantrum. I am actually amazed that it took nearly 6 years of parenthood before I saw my first, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it won't be the last.

Trip to the Pharmacy #2

The trouble with the pharmacy is that they know you really aren't going to go anywhere else because they have the medicine we need, and its not like I can whip up a batch of Amoxicillin in my kitchen. If I dislike a grocery store there are plenty of others to choose from. Pharmacies on the other hand leave us with fewer choices. Grocery stores are mostly open 24 hours, whereas pharmacies are closer to bankers hours.

So I pull up to our friendly neighborhood Walgreens around 7:00 last night and there were 4 cars in the drive through so I decided we would go inside (some of you may remember what happened the last time I took the kids inside the pharmacy). Antonio, Angelo and I went in and waited in line which apparently is of lower priority than the drive through line because we stood in line for 5 minutes and never saw a pharmacist. So like last time we went to the drink aisle and found a nice big bottle of cream soda...full of fast-acting sugar.

Now I will be the first to admit that I didn't have in mind what the end result would be. This was really half nagging kids (endlessly hearing "Daddy I'm thirsty") and half mad-science experiment (I wonder what would happen if I loaded the kids up on sugar and let them run free in Walgreens)? Well they were surprisingly tame for about two minutes until the liquid hyperactivity began to work its mojo. Still at the back of the line the kids slowly began to bounce up and down while fighting for sips of cream soda. Then as-expected the bouncing turned into jumping and stomping. Then the kids made their way over the the patient seating area where they began to jump up and down on the chairs while chanting "we love cream soda." Now I can stop this at anytime by enforcing my parental 1-2-3 magic, but I decide to stoke the flame by simply telling them that they are too loud...which never works but gives the outward appearance that I wanted them to stop when secretly I was telling them to jump higher and make more noise.

No sooner did this happen then I hear the pharmacist call for backup over the loudspeaker. I need Angie to the pharmacy we have a code cream soda...well maybe that's not verbatim but that's what I heard. Poor Angie. She began to pull people out of line in front of me and then while she wasn't even finished with the customer ahead of me she invited me up to claim our prescription. The prescription was sitting in the box behind her and she rung it up along with the cream soda which I was more than happy to pay for and we were on our way.

Yesterday marked the turning of a page for me as a father. I finally realized that I can harness the power of my children to get what I want out of people who otherwise would not care. Do I feel bad about that? No I don't. Because not only did I get my stuff faster, but so did everyone else in line. So the Walgreens staff had to witness my boys turn the pharmacy seating area into their own personal bounce house...the customers were all laughing and smiling at the antics anyway. In this instance I used a $1.39 bottle of cream soda as I would use my toll tag to breeze through the express lanes on the highway. People pay for convenience as evidenced by toll roads. Yesterday I made the pharmacist pay for my inconvenience and everyone waiting in line was better off for it.

Early Childhood Battle Tactics

My older two boys have definitely had it in for me the last week or so. I don't think they woke up with the mindset of trying to get under Daddy's skin, but I assure you that their tactics have been successful at achieving that end. Allow me to chronicle their battle tactics.

Day 1:
The enemy advanced stealthily downstairs around 6:30 AM.They began their reconnaissance mission by standing at the foot of the bed and observing the sleeping giants. They then proceeded to commence operation Rooster Crow by getting into a wrestling match at the bottom of the bed.Talk about a rude awakening.

Day 2:
Impelled by the success of operation Roster Crow the bandits setup their base camp in the play room upstairs and began hurtling toys down the stairs at 6:00 AM. New Winter Olympic sport: Matchbox car jump down the banister. The kicker was the minefield at the bottom of the stairs that prevented my bull rush attack and provided ample time for the enemy to retreat. Classic guerrilla warfare.

Day 3:
No rude awakening to speak of but this temporary armistice is tentative at best. We enjoy a mildly pleasant day until dinner time rolls around. Yes, dinner is still a chore. The boys can be well-behaved all day, but when we sit down at the table as a family prepare for a showdown.The boys simultaneously launch into operation Eat No Greens. Not only do they refuse to eat anything that never walked, flew or swam, but they even refuse to share space on the dinner plate with veggies. They even go so far as to push veggies off of their plates and onto the dinner table to avoid commingling. Apparently veggies now have cooties and the meat can't even touch the veggies lest the meat become contaminated. Early bedtimes ensue.

Day 4:
Full frontal assault by the enemy. The ceaseless bickering is enough to drive us insane. Luckily we have been expecting this battle for days and we are prepared. With wooden spoons in hand we relentlessly chase the heathens back up the stairs to their respective rooms where time outs and spankings abound.

Day 5:
The counter attack: Divide and Conquer. As parents we present a unified front, and having already discussed our battle plan (and scarcely being able to withstand the near constant barrage) we immediately launch into action at the first skirmish of the day. Our counter insurgency plan is simple: we will split up the boys and no longer allow them to play together. Amazingly this is worse for them than any other punishment we could imagine. Victory at last. The 5 Day War ends as abruptly as it began.

We thought the boys (not to mention ourselves) would enjoy some time apart since they are constantly at each others throats, but ultimately they longed for the camaraderie. I think they finally realized that they should treat each other a little better if for no other reason than to have someone to commiserate. This is one battle tactic that will remain in our parental repertoire for years to come.

Noisy Toys and No Off Switch

Another Christmas has come and gone and we are left with the remnants of ham, unnecessary desserts, and of course an overabundance of toys. I'm not complaining mind you, because we can now give F.A.O. Schwartz a run for its money with the stockpile of toys we have just inherited, however I do offer one complaint in the toy department and I think we should lay down some ground rules (and perhaps a few federal laws) before next Christmas rolls around.

1. Any relative that gives one of my children a noise-making toy will forfeit his/her invitation to all family events and/or be subject to torture treatment comprised of being placed in a straight-jacked and forced to listen to the noise-making toy for eight continuous hours. Decision to subject family members to noise torture will be at the sole discretion of Mommy and Daddy.
   
2. I propose a new federal law that prohibits the sale of noise-making toys without off-switches.Like ABS brakes and GFCI outlets this is a must have. What kind of person designs a child's toy without an off switch...a person who doesn't have any children.
3. Federal law number two. Only parents of children under 5 years of age may design toys for children under 5 years of age. If your children are older than 5 you have probably forgotten and must be replaced by someone with younger children who will then design the perfect toy.
4. Decibels will be regulated on all toys. Toy manufacturers can and should be fined for creating toys exceeding 50 decibels, which according to Dangerous Decibels is the sound of a "Quiet Suburb, Conversation at Home". The EPA will categorize all toys exceeding 50db as noise pollutants and regulate them as such under article For the Love of God, subsection Give me a Break, part Causes of Parental Insanity.
   
5. Toyicide will be a new word in the dictionary. Cause: Daddy trips over a noise-making toy with no off switch. Definition: to throw or slam said toy against a hard surface (or hit it with a hammer) with enough force to cause the internal components to rupture through the exoskeleton in an attempt to shut it off. Punishment can be levied up to and including the repurchase of said toy or a similar model. I personally prefer a similar model with an off-switch.

Here's looking forward to a new year filled with hope and quiet. I am hopeful that it will be quiet, but I don't really think that it will be. The Mother's Curse is alive and well in my home. I may have peace and quiet in about 17 years, but I won't be holding my breath for that. Happy New Year.