Noisy Toys and No Off Switch

Another Christmas has come and gone and we are left with the remnants of ham, unnecessary desserts, and of course an overabundance of toys. I'm not complaining mind you, because we can now give F.A.O. Schwartz a run for its money with the stockpile of toys we have just inherited, however I do offer one complaint in the toy department and I think we should lay down some ground rules (and perhaps a few federal laws) before next Christmas rolls around.

1. Any relative that gives one of my children a noise-making toy will forfeit his/her invitation to all family events and/or be subject to torture treatment comprised of being placed in a straight-jacked and forced to listen to the noise-making toy for eight continuous hours. Decision to subject family members to noise torture will be at the sole discretion of Mommy and Daddy.
   
2. I propose a new federal law that prohibits the sale of noise-making toys without off-switches.Like ABS brakes and GFCI outlets this is a must have. What kind of person designs a child's toy without an off switch...a person who doesn't have any children.
3. Federal law number two. Only parents of children under 5 years of age may design toys for children under 5 years of age. If your children are older than 5 you have probably forgotten and must be replaced by someone with younger children who will then design the perfect toy.
4. Decibels will be regulated on all toys. Toy manufacturers can and should be fined for creating toys exceeding 50 decibels, which according to Dangerous Decibels is the sound of a "Quiet Suburb, Conversation at Home". The EPA will categorize all toys exceeding 50db as noise pollutants and regulate them as such under article For the Love of God, subsection Give me a Break, part Causes of Parental Insanity.
   
5. Toyicide will be a new word in the dictionary. Cause: Daddy trips over a noise-making toy with no off switch. Definition: to throw or slam said toy against a hard surface (or hit it with a hammer) with enough force to cause the internal components to rupture through the exoskeleton in an attempt to shut it off. Punishment can be levied up to and including the repurchase of said toy or a similar model. I personally prefer a similar model with an off-switch.

Here's looking forward to a new year filled with hope and quiet. I am hopeful that it will be quiet, but I don't really think that it will be. The Mother's Curse is alive and well in my home. I may have peace and quiet in about 17 years, but I won't be holding my breath for that. Happy New Year.

Parental Assessment - Gains/Losses

Now that we have 3 children I am taking an assessment of what we have gained and lost. This list is by no means exhaustive, and I'm sure over time more can and will be added. The entries that made the short list of gains/losses are:

Gained:

• Three boys who look similar and act completely differently.
• A firm grasp of the mother's curse. I actually ended up with three boys just like me. FYI the mother's curse is very real. I now understand why I thought my parents were constantly on the verge of going crazy...I thought it was just an expression but it REALLY WAS my fault!
• A deep respect for those with more children. I honestly don't know how they do it. I am ready to waive the white flag and take a vow of chastity. Plenty of time for sex after Misty hits menopause.
  
• A true understanding of how golden silence can be. There is nothing like the 5 minute respite that follows bedtime.
  
• A sense of wonder that children live to become adults. If we didn't love our children there is a large probability that we would forgo the continuation of the species and live comfortably with a pair of Golden Retrievers.
• A comfy pair of flip flops that I wear around the house to avoid stepping on sharp-cornered objects like Matchbox cars and Playmobil pieces. I used to go barefoot but have learned my lesson after what I will call "unintended acupuncture." Hello tetanus shot!
  
• A pair of toy boxes and multiple toy bins to house the aforementioned sharp-cornered items. My kids' toys have more storage than a 747.
• A minivan. Say what you will about the old daddy wagon but there is no way we could cram three kids into an Accord (at least not if both parents wanted to ride in the car simultaneously) nor is there any way I could afford to gas up a mammoth SUV. Ample seating + gas mileage = minivan, no way around it.
  

Lost:

• Hair...a lot of it.
• Hair Color (Applies to Misty only)...my hair that would have gone gray simply fell out.
• Patience. Maybe I had more of it when I only had one child nipping at my heels, but now my concept of patience has changed drastically. My patience now extends to the length of my arm plus a wooden spoon.
• Timeliness. I was always a person who was on time, and if I wasn't on time I was early. Now I consider it a good day if I am + 30 minutes from the desired ETA. (Note the absence of +/-...minus doesn't ever happen).
• There are many things that we go without to provide for our children. I personally gave up on athleticism, a low handicap and reason. Misty chipped in her sanity. Together we make quite a pair. Now our toughest decision is Mojito or Sangria? (After bedtime of course)!
  
• Cleanliness. I used to be fanatical about cleaning up all the toys at the end of the day and before the kids went to bed. Now I am more than content to run the gauntlet and slalom my way through the toys on the way to my office in the morning. It is as close to skiing as I will get until for at least the next 5 years.
  
• Notion of "Free Time." Free time is noted only as the time I can squeeze in between all things that need to be done (laundry, dishes, making the boys' lunches for the next day, cleaning up the messes left behind, etc.). Basically there ain't a whole lot of it.

It is called the daily grind for a reason. If you cannot relate you should definitely come over and baby sit to gain a deeper personal understanding of our daily grind.

Sleeping Habits

I vividly remember sleeping in front of a floor fan when I was a kid. I used to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and take my blanket and pillow to the living room where we had a box-style floor fan and I would proceed to sleep in front of it. My parents hated it, but I still to this day need to feel like an Eskimo while I sleep. Enter mini-me a.k.a. Antonio, a.k.a. Mother's curse; you know the one that goes something like "I hope you have a child just like yourself." I now have a vague concept of what it was like to raise me in my early years.

I can't get Antonio to spend an entire night in his bed. In the last week alone we have found him asleep on the couch upstairs, at the top of the stairs behind the gate, asleep on the couch in the downstairs living room, under our bed and asleep in the corner of our room. I don't think he is sleepwalking, I think he just gets bored. Under the guise of "being scared" he whines at the top of the stairs until someone either tells him to go back to bed or he consoles himself and falls asleep in random places.

Angelo on the other hand normally goes to sleep in his toddler bed, but sometimes wakes up and nestles behind his door. Unfortunately this makes opening his door to check on him near impossible since he wedges himself between the door and the wall. We put a child lock on the inside of Angelo's room for his own safety and our sanity. We really aren't ready for him to be running around upstairs with his brother because they might never go to sleep. Unfortunately Antonio sometimes kicks the sleeping tiger by opening the door early in the morning before we are ready to wake up. Those are usually the mornings that test our parental mettle.

We kicked around the idea of bunk beds...they are so not ready for that. They are already doing the flying elbow from the top turnbuckle. Angelo got sniped making the leap from the fireplace to the couch a few days ago even after Mommy told him not to. Clearly if they are jumping around like monkeys they are not ready for bunk beds. Luckily Mommy ceded her office to the new baby so we don't yet have to worry about consolidating children into the same room just yet. In the future it will be a foregone conclusion, but for now we are satisfied with the room assignments. It could always be worse.